This past week I was in a really sad and very dark mood. Robyn’s head injury has been such a wonderful distraction for me because tending to her and her needs has been the perfect reason not to tend to my own (a-hem).
Easter was fast approaching and since my ex and I parted ways it’s so very hard to embrace the holidays because then I have to face all of the changes that are so very uncomfortable for me. When will I ever see anything before me than the broken picture of the life I thought I had?
I needed to just let the grief come over me (AGAIN) and so on Easter morning before I picked them up from the airport to welcome them home I had to stop and admit to myself what had been eating at me: I don’t know how to operate in the world yet without the traditions that somehow represented security and the changes that threaten to tear me apart. I was living inside the “should” instead of living inside the now. Maybe I should explain:
I should have had Easter dinner all planned out…. i avoided giving it any thought at all until it was upon me.
I should love cooking in the kitchen for my family… but the truth is that I have avoided the kitchen for almost three years now because it represents for me the heart of what was our family life. I had to play classical music for “company” in that room for almost a solid year just so that I would not burst into tears every time I poured myself a bowl of cornflakes.
I should have these emotions all sorted out by now….
I should have known….
Thank God Mr. Good Bar was here to comfort me in the morning hours as I blubbered into his neck once again about these moments in my life that continue pulse and ache inside my heart. Once I had gotten it all out … on his clean white t-shirt, putting the power of NOW into effect seemed remarkably simple. I drove to Trader Joe’s (the only place apparently open on Easter Sunday) and got the grocery shopping done before picking them up at the airport. I had set my mind to making a fabulous Easter dinner and decided that however it went was exactly how it was supposed to be. In the car I turned to my Ex and asked him if he would join us for dinner – because “It means a lot to me” and he graciously accepted (and i think he knew id been crying and we still have that tenderness between us- we can’t stand to see each other cry.)
Pork Loin, apple sauce, green beans, salad, rolls & butter with extra add on’s by Robyn of sweet potato and grilled tofu for the vegetarians was summarily whipped together and even served on my “divorce” china. In attendance: My Wasband, children, my neighbor Robyn and her children, and Khan… the beautiful boy from the neighborhood who apparently had no place to have Easter dinner. The table was set beautifully with candles and flowers and sunlight streaming through the big window onto the heads of happy children who all joined hands with the adults as we bowed our heads in a moment of thanks, and in an instant, all of you were there with me. I squeezed Robyn’s hand again in gratitude as our eyes met and a deep knowing passed there.
The women in the Revelation Project who are all part of this tribe in my life – teaching me so much about the fine art of what it means to be vulnerable, and how good it can feel to just.let.it.go.
I love you. all. I really do.