Monthly Archives: September 2011

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Revelation: Wilderness

~ image courtesy of Pinterest

Navigating life and uncovering the mystery of ourselves and our purpose here is an unavoidable wilderness.

Not everyone comes here to “wake up” and become conscious human beings.   Some, really do believe that life IS a 401 K plan, a nice house, a family, a picket fence, and must see TV and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that… and then there are those of us who gain, get and acquire the things we thought would make us happy and we say….

“Is this it???”

If we should “awake” and find ourselves stumbling along the path of consciousness there is no turning back… in other words: you can’t un-ring a bell (Phrase courtesy of Zellda Keath).

Walking the path of consciousness is harrowing at times and the only way OUT is IN…

When you find yourself in the Wilderness~ 

“a bleak, numbing word that instantly calls to mind a feeling of hopelessness, nothingness, barrenness and most of all a sense of powerlessness”  ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

you know you are close, finally, to the truth.

The wilderness is where we finally shed the damaging and toxic parts of ourselves and have to “give up” the parts of us that no longer serve us.  In giving up those negative aspects of ourselves we are actually giving in, to the divine plan of our lives and our purpose here.

Have any of you got a wilderness story? How did you feel and what did you discover?

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Revelation: US

Dear friend,

This will be my final attempt to contact you so really, if you don’t write back – you have my word that I will not contact you for any personal matter- ever again.

I want you to know that regardless of all that has happened and any “wrong doing” against each other that has transpired- I am still willing. At the very least want you to know that i care about you no matter what and I am grateful for all that we have been through together.  Even in our distance these past several weeks I have learned so much. I have struggled to find solid ground on which to stand over and over again and the place I finally found is way up on top of this emotional and mental Everest:

You and I might be very different people, or we may be more similar than either of us want to believe right now.

In the beginning – all we could see were our similarities and so we were filled with joy and laughter and light…. so powerful it was in fact that we created something quite magical- something everyone noted and commented on. When we started to really discover and see our differences: it became uncomfortable.  Instead of embracing those- we’ve been pushing them away- and as a result, each other. We’ve allowed our differences to now influence our behavior to such an extent that we’ve created chaos in our lives and in the lives of those close to us.

I’ve learned many many lessons over the past few weeks about myself – some of which bring me tremendous joy, and some which bring me great shame and regret.

In my climb toward the mountains peak I referenced earlier I’ve clawed, struggled, fought, turned my back, quit, begun again, quit, fought, rested, climbed onward until exhaustion only to finally realize that I was already there all along.

Remember in the early days- how you said that it’s like waiting all your life for the chance to get that ticket to go to Paris except you’ve already been there all along? That’s me right now.

The anger, hurt and sense of betrayal whether real or imagined pushed me away from you and away from myself – so far in fact that when i looked around I did not know who either of us was any longer. It’s finally just now- that I am finding my way back to myself…only to realize as I put this momentous flag on the top of this beautiful Everest to announce my arrival that you are no longer here beside me to share this precious moment with me.

I look down the mountain and I can barely see you….- see, i’ve left you behind in my quest when i should have been reaching out my hand every step of the way to pull you up when you were too tired to do it yourself, as you might have done for me in those same moments.  Have I failed you as a friend, as a sister, as a confident, and as a human being- simply because I made my needs more important than yours? I hope not.  Was I so busy paying attention to my own footing that I forgot it’s not even worth arriving if I can’t share it with you?  I turned my attention from integrity, strength and gratitude to matters of fear, anger, and hostility and It became an all for one… instead of a one for all.  Did I have something to prove?…. and to whom? We were on the same team last time I knew and I’m not sure how we ended up in the blizzard of 2011. Is this how world wars begin? If so, I’m sorry I’ve even been a willing participant.

I’ve not always welcomed the insights or emotions that have come to me these past several weeks but the project I’m involved in has certainly lived up to it’s name. I’ve gotten to see the very things that still get in my way of being the very person I strive to be.  I’ve had to wrestle each demon one by one – sometimes successfully and sometimes not.  It’s been messy along the way and I’ve made you wrong more times than I care to admit and in doing so I’ve had the taste of righteousness. It’s an acquired taste I assure you- It starts out being incredibly sweet only to turn terribly bitter- not to mention the aftertaste.

A wise woman once told me:

“You can either be right, or you can be in relationship… not both simultaneously.”

Some people feel that there is a point at which you stop being able to forgive another, but I respectfully disagree.

Forgiveness is a choice, and once you are willing to do so you also give up your right to complain.  Just because we forgive, it does not mean we have to agree with one another or always see eye to eye.

I’m not attached to a story of who you are based on the past several weeks- but instead acknowledge that- like me: Perhaps you’ve done what you felt you had to do. I also imagine you too have had your own process, insights, and truths revealed that are different from mine- not bad, wrong, or less…. just different… and valid.  In accepting that I realize that I can also celebrate it because this is what makes you uniquely you: perfect, whole and complete- just the way you are- right here…. right now.

I want you to know that I forgive you, not because you’ve asked me for forgiveness but because i recognize it’s what I need to do now.

I ask your forgiveness in return- not because you need to or owe it to me but because I am truly sorry for any part I’ve played in hurting you.

Please forgive me for being small, single minded, stubborn, self centered- and for any wounds I’ve caused you.

It’s with deep compassion for both of us that I will continue to hold the hope in my heart that tomorrow will be a better day and that there will be more gentle,  freeing,  loving, forgiving, and amazing revelations to come.

Monica

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Revelation: Bicycle Spokes

Relationships can be likened to spokes on a bicycle, if even one is compromised or undermined it changes the ride entirely and it’s only a matter of time until the wheel falls apart.

It’s hard to know sometimes when we are undermining a relationship. Many of us unintentionally with-hold information, lash out, or otherwise swallow our pain, sadness, or anger in the hopes of avoiding an upset.  The fact of the matter though, is that these small transgressions, over time will cause the digger that sends us sailing through the air over the handlebars- ass over tea kettle, landing a genuinely uncomfortable face plant into the unforgiving pavement just when we thought we were really coasting:

“look mom – no hands!”

We wonder as we hastily try to peel ourselves off the cement and look around if we can actually save some face:

“Um, I meant to do that- it was old super duper over the handlebar, pebbles imbedded in my lip and forehead, skinned knees and sprained elbow trick”

Or perhaps we wonder if no one will notice our bad behavior and we can just gimp home and get our chain hanging, banged up, big red bow, christmas morning bike back in to the garage without Dad seeing and shaking his head in disgust.

“Son, you just don’t know how to take care of things.”

It’s also hard to know how to clean up when you’ve done something you know has caused someone a lot of pain and embarrassment or time and money. Should you offer to buy them a new bike? Should you put a bandaid on their broken bone? Should you pretend it never happened and when they go find their bike in the garage and it’s all mangled and ruined you pray to god they don’t notice how busy you suddenly look?

Or, do you just admit that sometimes you can be a real assh*le and tell that person you are sorry and you’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to them until they trust you again to keep the bars steady, your hands on the wheel, and your eyes on the road?

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Revelation: Trauma

My name is Monica Rodgers and I am a recovering unconscious being.

I grew up in an alcoholic family where there were elephants in every room and the house was decorated in red flags.  I decided to stop listening to my emotions because they were always in turmoil. I learned the fine art of numbing.  In my last post I wrote about allowing the things that enter your life wake you up….

Spiritual healers say that the first seven years of the child are the most critical.  It is the time in which the spirit fully enters the body and by the seventh year, becomes grounded. If you at any point experience trauma (Define Trauma: ANYTHING that deeply scares, wounds, confuses, or upsets) you can become “stuck” in the spiritual sense… or fragmented- (also called arrested development).  You can spend the larger part of your life becoming triggered by where those moments first originated, and if we are lucky as we mature and develop in our adult life we begin to seek resolution… because if we don’t these unrealized wounds can be very disruptive and destructive to our relationships wrecking havoc and causing us to wonder: WHY does this always happen to me?  PS: You do not have to have come from an alcoholic family to experience trauma… that’s just my particular drama.

So the moments that upset us become “teaching moments” – also known as WAKE UP CALLS.  This life calling you to WAKE UP to your life’s purpose and discover WHO YOU REALLY ARE.  It’s your PATH, and each of us have one… and where it will lead is your most exciting mystery.

Your path to enlightenment BEGINS at the source of the trauma.  Your upsets in this lifetime are your call to WAKE UP.   We can experience a “healing” from those moments that separated or fragmented our spirits – and although these moments of “shift” feel a lot like a death of sorts, they really ultimately are gifts of being fully alive.

The purpose of a rose is to grow and become strong enough to bloom…. (STRONG ENOUGH to bloom) When we have matured spiritually we can then bloom into awareness- and without this we are immature regardless of all of the THINGS we have attained in the world: fame, money, power, materials.

The best part of waking up is a good strong cup of Coffee.

 

 

 

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Revelation: Down Seven Up Eight

We all fall down.  We all think we’ve hit the bottom but then we get back up again.

Don’t forget to grab the lesson on the way back up.

You can always make a come back and be all the stronger, brighter, wiser, more lovely.

We are here to learn…and love.

XO

七
転
八
起

This Japanese proverb relays the vicissitudes of life. Some would more naturally translate it into English as “Always rising after a fall or repeated failures”.

The first Kanji is literally “7″. The second means “fall down” (sometimes this Kanji means “turn around”, “revolve” or “turn over”, but in this case, it’s holds the meaning of “fall”). The third is “8″. And the last is “get up”, “rouse”, or “rise”.

Basically if you fail 7 times, you should recover from those events and be prepared to rise an 8th time. This is also applies if it is the world or circumstances that knock you down seven times…
…just remember that you have the ability to bounce back from any kind of adversity.

Note: This can be pronounced two ways. One is “shichi ten hakki”. The other is “nana korobi ya oki” also written, “nanakorobi-yaoki”.

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Revelation: Mustard Seed

I’ve learned that being alive means that I can not escape loss.  Loss and grief goes hand and hand with joy and happiness.  I am weary of the road of grief because it feels like a lonely, scary and isolating one.   Sure there are tools to help me find comfort and recovery but many times those tools seem just out of reach.

There is a story of a woman who lost her only child and she was inconsolable, alone and very much in a place of dispair.  She did not want to go on living without her child and so she went to the Buddah and he told her he could help her.  He told her that he could assist her find relief  if she were to go find him a mustard seed from a house that had never known sorrow.

She searched all over the world and finally came back to the buddha with many gifts from each of those with whom she visited- but alas, no one had been able to give her the one thing she sought to find.  Instead the gifts she was given were: acceptance, forbearance, understanding, gratitude, courage, compassion, hope, truth, empathy, remembrance, strength, tenderness, wisdom and love.

The Buddha asked how she felt now that she had been given these gifts and she told him that she felt that each gift comforted her in it’s own way and that she felt “heavier” since she’d had to enlarge her heart to carry them all.  She asked him what the strange feeling she had inside meant and the Buddha told her that what she felt was called Sorrow and that carrying it meant she was like all the others now and was no longer alone.

This story brings comfort to me and so I look for the grace of these gifts as I journey on the path of life along with everyone else.