Monthly Archives: November 2011

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Revelation: EGO

There is only one necessary beginning point when it comes to truly making a change in your life and that; is the experience of powerlessness.

If you are in this place or can identify with this statement than you have known the deep and disconcerting feeling of it. Perhaps you have tried repeatedly to fight it. If you are lucky you have not turned to alcohol, drugs or some other form of denial to avoid it.  Grace happens when you are forced to “be with” it…. and be with it authentically.

Going where the pain is may seem counter intuitive ~ but like a chinese finger trap: You can’t go around it, you can’t go under it, you must go through it or inside of it to become free.

As we go inside… what will we really find there and what are we truly afraid of?

The very thing that keeps us from this experience at all cost is: the EGO.

The ego will go to great lengths to protect itself ~ in fact, it would sooner die and admit it is mistaken in its thinking or its viewpoint.

In the place of powerlessness lies the grace of humility, compassion, and love.

If you are lucky enough to venture in to that dark place you will eventually come to a soft glowing light which will unfurl its gifts for you.

You will wonder why you waited all this time.

“Thinking, or more precisely identification with thinking,
gives rise to and maintains the ego, which, in our Western
society in particular, is out of control. It believes it
is real and tries hard to maintain its supremacy. Negative
states of mind, such as anger, resentment, fear, envy, and
jealousy, are products of the ego.”
~Eckhart Tolle

 

 

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Revelation: Learning to Breathe

This weekend I felt that I could finally breath under water.

My life is always so FULL, and yet many times I react to it as if I am treading water or worse: drowning.  I forget to breathe… have my shoulders up by my ears and never seem to be able to reach that darn raft with the pineapple drink and the little pink umbrella.

It’s starting to be different- because my choices have been different.
It’s different because I know I’ve done a lot of hard work to get here.
It’s different because I am finally learning how to love myself.

For the past month I have been moving, re-vamping and restructuring TRP, having deep and meaningful discussions with friends who have helped me to see things more clearly. I’ve also been deeply involved in the largest annual fundraiser at our school. I’ve had to make difficult decisions about moving on, I’ve sold my house, and I’ve started working out again and getting fit, and I feel great.

For a long time I was waiting for life to get easier … but I will always be someone who takes on a lot, because in part it’s who I am and it makes me happy.

I cannot stop the drowning waters that come my way every once in a while- so rather than thrashing and flailing against the current i’m working on building a coral castle and learning to breathe under water.

 

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Revelation: Joy of Being Alive

The past three years of my life have been about re-creating myself. It’s amazing as I look back to realize that my perception of myself and who I was became so entrenched in my former business and in my marriage… so much so, that when they ended, I was not even sure who I was anymore.

Everyone else in my life seemed just fine… and I was lost, completely and utterly.

Rediscovering myself has taken a lot of time because it’s so easy to fall into old patterns and habits.  It’s easy for instance to find a new project to distract me from being with myself, to keep me from putting a structure in place to really explore my own needs and desires, or a routine or schedule to fulfill my new goals.  How did Madonna reinvent so many times? 

So here I am three years in to my new me and I’m slow at it- you know? I’m so much happier, but I feel like I take two steps forward and a skip to the side… I just started to get back to working out after all, just last week (which was awesome- why did I wait so long?)  and I still overload myself with extra “to do’s” instead of “to be’s.”

I’m finally moving out of my massive way too big and inefficient house in Wakefield to a small and intimate and oh my goodness there will be no escape from my children smaller more efficient home in Kingston with Mr. Goodbar (thank you God.) and so life keeps moving forward and taking me with it and so I feel grateful- so grateful.

Grateful that I persevered when I wanted to throw in the towel…oh so many times.
Grateful that I had my friends and family to help me believe when I was un-impressed.
Grateful that I found my way back to myself (with lots of alone time, prayer, walks, and writing).
And the deepest gratitude for God – restoring my faith in the higher power of love and light and the joy of being alive.

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Revelation: Smelly Girl

I love when you are in a place like the neighborhood grocery and you meet up with someone you have a friendly acquaintance with (you’ve spoken to them on numerous occasions, always been kind to them and lovely) until one day you reach out to say hello and you get what I am going to call the:

Female Adolescente Highschool Hangover (FAHH) (Wikipedia WILL sport this term soon)

It’s been a while since this has happened to me but when it does it’s mighty uncomfortable and makes a lasting impression (wait, perhaps  should use the term SCAR.)

First off I love the part where they try to pretend they never saw you  (yeah, that feels so good- yum-  like toll house cookies right from the oven. NOT.)

Flashback: You are walking through the hallways of your high school and the two of you are the ONLY ones walking past each other… she becomes engrossed in the contemporary lines of lockers to the right just beyond your head- you are invisible and do not exist.

Then when you reach out to make a connection and say hello they give you this look-  like:

“S.H.I.T.”

It’s evident that they are uncomfortable because they do everything they can to not look at your eyes. They kind of do this funny movement thing like they are trying desperately to launch themselves off to the produce aisle (or just anywhere else but not here)  to get to the in high demand kale before it runs away. You are midway into pleasantries when they’ve just remembered what a hurry they are in and kind of leave you there- high and dry and you find yourself saying goodbye to their backside as you cock your head in bewilderment (was it something I said? Do I smell?”)

Then it may dawn on you as you stumble over possible reasons in your mind …..  or it may just simply be obvious that she thinks she has some “dirt” on you and does not want to get it on her clean self.  I mean… really?

When are we gonna grow up?  When are we going to stop judging people and making them wrong for things that have NOTHING to do with us? When are we going to stop being small and be the thinking, loving, related, discerning, kind, considerate, female’s that we have the power to be?

The next time you find yourself listening to someone’s “story” about someone else ( Gossip) I want you to ask yourself these three questions:

  • Is the information true? ( Do you have both sides of the story?  hint: This is only important if you are going to play judge and jury and double hint: Don’t fool yourself by thinking I don’t mean YOU)
  • Is it helpful? (Is the negative space and time it’s taking from your life to listen to her petty rant adding or contributing something positive to your life?)
  • Is it necessary? (There’s a different being a supportive friend to her, and then there is taking a side, contributing to the problem by putting your two cents in,  and or making her issue your issue)

Then I want you to ask yourselves:  When i inevitably see this person my “friend” is bad mouthing and throwing under the bus (the same friend who could do no wrong before and would have given the shirt off her back) how am I going to behave?  and what does how I treat her say about ME???

If you suffer from FAHH – please girl, do us all a favor and stop playing small in the world- the rest of us big girls need you – wake up and smell the virtual bitch slap I’m gifting your way.

Peace Out,

The smelly “unpopular” girl you deserted in Aisle #4