Monthly Archives: February 2012

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The Secret Door

Sometimes I forget that life isn’t about finally reaching a plateau of happiness and contentment that then just need’s a maintenance plan in place to keep it up.

I don’t like accepting that life won’t necessarily get easier, or that the hurdles that stand in my way won’t just someday dissipate or disappear. damn.

Instead I work on accepting that life will always be handing me a new challenge, a new issue, a new opportunity, and that with each one that comes my way – I am given a choice :

to grow or not to grow.

Growing is about a willingness to learn, get better… a going toward, an expanding.  I find that each time I hit my wall – weather it be of compassion, patience, joy, or love for myself or another human being that in fact… there is a secret door in that wall that then takes me in to tunnels of self-discovery yet unexplored.   When I have my button’s pushed and pushed again, i’ve started to realize that it won’t help the matter to then berate myself about the fact that i let it happen or that I got reactive, but instead to just gently acknowledge that it happened and know that there is always another opportunity to choose differently next time.

I think the key to growth is simply the “allowing” of “what is” to in fact… just “be… ” it’s in that peaceful place that we can access a freedom with the events of life as they are.  Suddenly we are “free” to stand in a place of attention as we “allow” life’s events to ebb and flow- the way that they are naturally meant to occur.

I don’t know- maybe these thoughts sound like Jack Handey  wrote them, but I’m really getting to a place inside that although i have difficulty describing- is back to that analogy about the wall with the secret door… – It’s always right there… waiting to be discovered… just feel around and push a bit and … you may just find an opening.

 

 

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The Seven Stages of Grief

Weather it’s death, or a death of sorts (break-up, betrayal, divorce, employment termination…) it hurts like hell and can take a long long time to heal.

I was recently re-reading the seven stages of grief, and realizing how very long a process it is to go through the seven stages.  It can take weeks, months, years, and for some – even a lifetime.

It’s not a process that can be rushed along.  It’s as unique a journey as the individual taking the journey. We all have a “time” in which we will process each phase of certain events.  I’ve known people to be in one aspect of grief for many years… before finally reaching the next.  The most valuable thing you can do for yourself or another who is experiencing it is to just give them/ yourself room – lots of room, and and endless well of compassion.

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The Seven Stages of Grief

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But instead will find a way forward with a deeper sense of wisdom.

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If you had some taste…..

My girlfriend sent this to me recently… and I find it really interesting.  Those who are compelled to “create” have a vision for the caliber of work/art they want to produce… but it takes time and a LOT of HARD WORK… even when you are IRA GLASS.  Very rarely do you hear of someone who just wakes up one day with a talent that they have not spent years, if not a lifetime developing.   If you can see it… feel it… you can DO IT.

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The Story We Continually Tell Ourselves


Ever since I first saw Dr. Christiane Northrup on PBS many years ago I have been an admirer of hers. Next to my bed is what I consider to be my bible: Dr. Northrup’s first book titled Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom- Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing. The book is about achieving optimal health and fulfillment through a mind-body connection. I bought it for my 40th birthday and reference it frequently as a source of sound medical advice about the body, and the mind.

Along with Northrup’s vibrant personality, she first stole my heart when I heard her say that PMS is a time each month when what needs adjustment in our life gets highlighted. Kind of like the things that we need to work on get put under a magnifying glass. PMS, I learned, is actually a gift, when all along I had been thinking of it as a time each month that I needed to disregard!

Dr. Northrup says many very wise things. Another great line of hers, is  “All healing, all flourishing, comes from the story we continually tell ourselves.”

We are what we eat, but we are also what we think about.

What we think about is what we become.

The video above might be one of the most informative and reassuring ten minutes you’ll spend this week, or maybe even all month.

 

Written by Louise at Lines of Beauty.

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A Love letter to Myself for Valentines Day

Dear Monica,

We’ve got lots of catching up to do – you and I, and I’m so very sorry it took me this long. I have many confessions to make, and so- if you are open to hearing them… I’m ready to talk.

It seems these many years I found you quite difficult to accept.  I looked at you one day in the mirror (I think you were twelve) and somehow decided that you just didn’t measure up.

It was at that point that I began to compare you, judge you, and critique your every word and move- hardly ever giving you the freedom or right to just be yourself….

Your body, your hair, your nose, your hips…. you just weren’t quite what I had in mind.  I’m sure the constant be-littling and harsh critique contributed to your overall lack of self-esteem, and your awkwardness just made me cringe inside.  I did you such injustice as I helped you to choose friendships, relationships, and substances that would keep this life sentence in place.   I was your trusted friend and confident… all the while whispering my bad advice and undermining your potential, your beauty, your wit, your mind. Not fast enough, smart enough, pretty enough, good enough….

I succeeded in making you believe it all… and by high school you were a certified mess.  Drugs, drinking, poor grades, reckless sex… a perfect masterpiece of self loathing and confusion. By the time you got married though, you’d figured out ( thanks to me)  how to pretend – making it look picture perfect on the outside. You even got your hair right-  finally.

It wasn’t until under the covers for those many dark months that we would finally come face to face with one another, nose to nose, truth to truth.  After your grande facade had fallen apart, even I got tired of poking holes in you. I’d achieved the most disastrous results. It was then that I began to finally see you –  for who you really are.  By that time though,  we were both fucked. You were too tired and defeated to move much, and I was in a state of shock and denial… “what a par” as they say in the south.

Now, I thank God for you every day… for helping me gradually to really see.  For taking the time, and for having the empathy to understand me, and my actions. I thank God for the day you finally took me in your arms and kissed my face and whispered gentle words, and told me you loved me. Then the most amazing thing of all happened….

you forgave me.

Since that time, I’ve learned so much about you… where was I all this time to have not known this love for you? Yes, it’s true- sometimes I still grieve for us- such a shame, such wasted time. I am so so sorry.

Each day I see you getting stronger, and lighter, and more beautiful. You’ve taught me so much. I’ve learned to be quiet, and now.. only speak when I have something supportive and kind to say to you.  I’ve learned to comfort you and build you back up when you are feeling sad, hurt, or upset.  I’ve learned to let you dance when the music plays, and to remember to play it for you when you forget.  I’ve learned to let you open your heart to those you love, and who want your love and creativity… you express yourself with a freedom now that fills me with a quiet pride.

I’m so very humbled at times by your sheer willingness to keep trying, keep loving, and keep learning – no matter what happens, and especially your capacity for love… my God, you are a lover of people, and life.

Don’t ever let anyone try to snuff out your beautiful light – ever again… you hear me girl?  You are a child of God, and we’ve got some amazing, world transforming work to do.

Happy Valentines Day.

Your biggest fan,

Me.

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Revelation: A Tiny Window

Today I find myself exhausted. sad.

It began over late last week… a difficult few days that finally came to a head yesterday afternoon and while the rest of the world was tuned in to the Superbowl, I was tuned in to my  inability to “be” happy and free in the face of an event that deeply disturbed me.

It’s easy to look at “them” – as the problem, but really – there’s only “what happened” and then my reaction to that event.

I had this great conversation with my brother today- about how so many of us operate on our “default” behavior- especially when an upset “triggers” our response.

That teeny tiny window of opportunity to change that in mid stream is just that… a teeny tiny opportunity, and then like a flash, it’s gone and the reaction is … well, what it is- as opposed to being mindful and choosing my actions or behavior in a way that’s new, empowering, “better”.

How many of us are really in the game of looking at ourselves? How many of us take a long look at where we are on our paths wherever that may be and take the opportunity CHOOSE a new thought, a new action, a new response- it’s so very difficult but so very necessary if you want to get “better” – as we are all inherently wounded around something – i don’t care who you are… you have wounds, and pain, and have known suffering… it’s what you DO with the suffering that makes the difference.

It’s what “I” do with the suffering, that makes a difference because “I” want healing around the wounds “I” carry- why? because to me that means I have evolved- is there a way to evolve past the point of suffering? Well… then there is the gift of suffering right? Without suffering, I’m not sure it’s possible for much growth.

Everything that happens in life invites growth weather we are mindful of it or not… it just so happens that today I am mindful of the fact that I “want” to behave and react differently and can not seem to access that place…. so I’ll take my own advice and just try to “be” with it instead of resisting, because I know from experience that resistance is futile… resisting= persisting.

sigh.  All I can do today is try to choose a more empowering thought about the turn of events so that I don’t stay here on my couch cycling over and over the questions of why it is what it is…..

and just let it be what it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Revelation: Jellyfish

Written By Gloria Crist and Adapted for The Revelation Project
Click here for original article

 

This is a picture of a hormone. Need I say more?

It is any wonder we women are prone to hormonal unbalance?
Who wouldn’t be if  radioactive jellyfish were floating around reeking havoc on our otherwise happy shiny days?

These little suckers just wait for the right time to go Ker-POW! and  implode into a trajectory of pure t-hell.

I never gave it much thought as I have never been adverse to aging (thats not to say I don’t fight for youth each day ;) But  I have accepted that this is the process. Sort of… accepted…ahem.

I thought it would be something I would breeze through from here to there- after all I am always active and forever moving about. A life- tinker-er (is that a word?)  I thought I would be calm and cool as gravity works to rearrange my youthful smooth, toned body… and as the crow flies south my parts do too – I’ve found it’s best to kick and scream behind closed doors.
That new piece of flesh on the back of my leg?…oh, that one? that used to be my perky marathon muscles. How bout that one?  Yes, that beauty arrived after the birth of my baby and so on.  Then came 40 and I thought I got lucky as my ass,  at least, remained ( THANK GOD!!) BUT.. there it goes now-  sinking slowly like a glorious sunset- no matter the amount of Lycra, exercise, Spanx, or otherwise…. sigh.

I’ll think of my past ass… ( damn i looked good, but even then it was not enough!) during the prep and pampering for a swimsuit competition in the Miss. North Carolina pageant,circa 1984.  As all the ladies were getting their assets ready- I looked over and watched as Miss. Fayetteville grabbed a portion of her cheeky flesh( yes, that cheek ) and sprayed it with the same spray athletes use to grip the ball better. She “Firm Gripped” her butt to new heights-she lifted up her ass- sprayed it and it stuck. Right there. Right where she wanted it and darned if I did not go right over and ask for a spray myself.  Now “firmly gripped” in my fuchsia one piece-with matching sandals – I remember proudly arranging my sash as I walked my high and mighty ass right out on stage for all to see…

And now- well… there’s not enough “firm grip” in the world.

Other lovely symptoms include but are not limited to clear thoughts immediately replaced with …. a complete blank.

Forgetting what I am saying just as I am getting to my point.

Or how bout the rambling tangents…

My sharp as a tack mind, and all my body parts are being ruthlessly attacked hormonally unbalanced radioactive jelly fish.

My skin is dry-and so are my eyes, and my hair and never mind the myopic view point. There is a certain sort of sag that finds itself setting up shop on various former angles of my face-and try as I may ( you should see my side of the medicine cabinet) there’s just no amount of product that can halt these inevitable passages of time.

I’m no longer able to effectively muti-task.  My get up and go has got up and gone and I have a new fondness for flannel pajamas that just seem much more comfortable and practical then getting dressed for the day- drawstring please? (It’s disturbing, i know.)

Some additional observations about aging:

I hit it hard at the gym the other day and ended up crawling my way through next several days.

can no longer do my  ”rock star slide” on our  hard wood floor’s. My right knee will never be the same. Ever.

I get impatient. easily. even more than I used to.

I have no tolerance for stupid people. even less than I ever did.

Mean people suck and I never knew flipping someone off could be so satisfying.

I love that I love the word “NO” now.

“NO”

I say it loud and proud.

“No. No, I can not. No, not at this time. No.No Way. Nada. Never.  No. No. No. No.”

And that’s final.

I love my new found midlife sense of power. It goes great with everything I own-and it only took me my whole life to find it.

Someone asked me recently – how I managed to have this life of mine…  as if it were all laid out- planned ( LOL)

Wait. What?

they continued:  ”wonderful family, good school, worthy profession, loving husband, amazing children…. ” as if it all just happened easily….

Oh.

God no.

The route here went something like this:

I got on this one road and I took it as far as it would go . Got on another, took a short path-then took a long path-hit a roadblock, or ten, got on another road, made some pit stops, took a short cut, had to go back and do it again. I  took the road less traveled
(it’s lonely I assure you) and here I am. I’ve been hurt, betrayed, stuck it out, sucked it up, got it wrong, got it right, led astray, led away, dumped, doted on, figured it out, somehow, some way, by force, circumstance and the help of some pretty amazing folks and so here I am: riding this portion of  life’s crazy train.  There was no plan… heck, I am still looking for “the right” turn…

Now I’m traveling with a little less baggage and a later in life fuel injected ride with a sagging bum.  It’ll be interesting to see where this new route takes me, jellyfish and all.

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Revelation Book Club

February will kick off our TRP Book Club- all are welcome to join!

This months book overview and any discussion points will be published for March so if you read it and have an insight you’d like to share- please email us at rodgers107@me.com and I’ll publish your comment!

Think

Strait Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World: Amazon (under $10 on Kindle!)

Review’s

“Think is a real eye-opener. Lisa Bloom brings her extraordinary passion, humor, and intelligence to the important subject of how women and girls can fight being drowned in a sea of pop culture, and lead lives that are fuller, richer, and more connected. Think educates, informs, and—thanks to Lisa’s wit and sense of humor—keeps us smiling along the way. Think is a must-read for all mothers and daughters.”

—Dr. Phil McGraw, Nationally syndicated television host and #1 New York Times bestselling author

“Lisa Bloom is a dynamo and her book is as smart, quick, and funny as she is. Think paints a clear picture of the power of tabloid culture, inspires personal change, and evokes the desire to make a difference. Best of all, Think provides a step-by-step guide on how to rescue ourselves from the belly of the beast. This book is a must-read for girls and women everywhere.”

—Rory Freedman, #1 New York Times bestselling co-author of Skinny Bitch

“Every woman in America needs to read Think. It made me think about how I can become more successful, influential, and compassionate. Lisa Bloom is a leader for our times. Listen to her.”

—Jane Velez-Mitchell, bestselling author and host of Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell on HLN

“Witty, insightful, and practical. Think brims with specific ideas to give women more time, happiness, and meaning in our lives. Even if it were not written by my daughter, I’d still recommend this life-changing book to everyone I know.”

—Gloria Allred, women’s and victim’s rights attorney, partner Allred, Maroko & Goldberg

“Think reads like a conversation with that best friend we all need. Funny, wise, opinionated, Lisa Bloom covers everything from Angelina Jolie to precut veggies in this how-to, what-for, this-matters guide to a meaningful and honorable life.”

—Jeffrey Toobin, CNN Legal Analyst, New Yorker writer, and author of The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court

“Lisa Bloom is a woman of brilliance, boldness, and beauty. One of the smartest and most erudite people in the American popular culture, you debate her on TV at your own risk. In her new book, Lisa deals with one of our nation’s most pressing subjects: the need for women to use, and be appreciated for, their minds. As the father of six daughters, I am immensely grateful to Lisa for this outstanding and riveting contribution.”

—Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, New York Times bestselling author of 10 Conversations You Need to Have with Your Children