We’ve got lots of catching up to do – you and I, and I’m so very sorry it took me this long. I have many confessions to make, and so- if you are open to hearing them… I’m ready to talk.
It seems these many years I found you quite difficult to accept. I looked at you one day in the mirror (I think you were twelve) and somehow decided that you just didn’t measure up.
It was at that point that I began to compare you, judge you, and critique your every word and move- hardly ever giving you the freedom or right to just be yourself….
Your body, your hair, your nose, your hips…. you just weren’t quite what I had in mind. I’m sure the constant be-littling and harsh critique contributed to your overall lack of self-esteem, and your awkwardness just made me cringe inside. I did you such injustice as I helped you to choose friendships, relationships, and substances that would keep this life sentence in place. I was your trusted friend and confident… all the while whispering my bad advice and undermining your potential, your beauty, your wit, your mind. Not fast enough, smart enough, pretty enough, good enough….
I succeeded in making you believe it all… and by high school you were a certified mess. Drugs, drinking, poor grades, reckless sex… a perfect masterpiece of self loathing and confusion. By the time you got married though, you’d figured out ( thanks to me) how to pretend – making it look picture perfect on the outside. You even got your hair right- finally.
It wasn’t until under the covers for those many dark months that we would finally come face to face with one another, nose to nose, truth to truth. After your grande facade had fallen apart, even I got tired of poking holes in you. I’d achieved the most disastrous results. It was then that I began to finally see you – for who you really are. By that time though, we were both fucked. You were too tired and defeated to move much, and I was in a state of shock and denial… “what a par” as they say in the south.
Now, I thank God for you every day… for helping me gradually to really see. For taking the time, and for having the empathy to understand me, and my actions. I thank God for the day you finally took me in your arms and kissed my face and whispered gentle words, and told me you loved me. Then the most amazing thing of all happened….
you forgave me.
Since that time, I’ve learned so much about you… where was I all this time to have not known this love for you? Yes, it’s true- sometimes I still grieve for us- such a shame, such wasted time. I am so so sorry.
Each day I see you getting stronger, and lighter, and more beautiful. You’ve taught me so much. I’ve learned to be quiet, and now.. only speak when I have something supportive and kind to say to you. I’ve learned to comfort you and build you back up when you are feeling sad, hurt, or upset. I’ve learned to let you dance when the music plays, and to remember to play it for you when you forget. I’ve learned to let you open your heart to those you love, and who want your love and creativity… you express yourself with a freedom now that fills me with a quiet pride.
I’m so very humbled at times by your sheer willingness to keep trying, keep loving, and keep learning – no matter what happens, and especially your capacity for love… my God, you are a lover of people, and life.
Don’t ever let anyone try to snuff out your beautiful light – ever again… you hear me girl? You are a child of God, and we’ve got some amazing, world transforming work to do.
Happy Valentines Day.
Your biggest fan,