As I get older and wiser, I treat this question with great respect- it has layers. There are many interpretations so- I’m not just speaking of being kind with simple manners, I’m referring to the essence of kindness.
Do I extend myself outwards, and greet everyone openly? Without judgement? Do I include those who have brought value to my life in ways small or large in my social life- or am I prejudiced and exclusive in my associations? Am I considerate of another’s feelings, and am I genuinely honest with others? Am I accountable for who I am as a friend, as a human being? Am I accountable for my actions and choices as they relate to others?
I pay close attention to how I treat others- especially now, and I strive to treat others as I would wish to be treated. These values were learned the hard way. I have been on the receiving end of unkindness from others- we all have, and the memory of what it feels like is not easily forgotten, in fact- it becomes a lesson in how I want others to feel when they are around me.
Personally, my life shifted so greatly after divorce, I was not prepared for the circumstantial ripple effect it would have for myself, and my son. There is so much change and much to mourn: the loss of a partner, the wifestyle, the additional children I might wish for that may not come, and the new circumstance I have been presented with socially, economically, and emotionally. In the midst of these major changes, my challenge is to continue forward with a new and uncertain map of my life happiness for my child and for myself. Divorce has dramatically impacted my support system, making it so much more important to be able to lean on the support of those who surround me- especially those I consider my friends.
Fortunately, this time has taught hard lessons of setting new standards of how I define everyday words like “support” and “friends”. I’ve acquired a new appreciation for those who are honest with me and appreciate those who treat me with dignity and respect, and I now find myself cheering for friends who remember that a family is still a family, even if it is a different shape or size, and that I am still me- regardless of how my life looks.
By far, the greatest gift given, with such unforeseen change, is how heightened my sensitivities are now of how I treat others.
Divorce, new babies, working, STAH moms…it does not matter, at some point every woman has felt either discarded, snubbed, or overwhelmed among her peers as she desperately tries to map out her life, and in these times we are all reminded of how kindness equals thoughtfulness. Kindness= HUMANITY.
So here it is ladies, we may not say it out loud, but we have all been privy to and/or guilty of; quietly ignoring, deflecting, or not extending at some point in our lives and in our associations or friendships.
Congeniality should not be subjective, and age-old quotes like, “Girls can be so mean.” should be buried far beneath quotes like, “Support your peers and cherish your friends.” As springtime is upon us, budding up new life and fresh air, so is the gift of change. We should all remember to be considerate of each other, support our fellow peers, and be honest with ourselves. Communities come in many forms; one of my most cherished community is my peer group of women, mothers, and friends. A community I wish to be included in, regardless of my circumstances.
My message to myself and to others about kindness is: to extend outwards – whether I feel lonely and fractured, or happy and whole. If I reach outside of myself I can create a bridge; and if I turn away – only a gap, a gulf, or a void.
There was a time in my life that I could not feel joy for many many months. My inner world was beckoning for my awakening and I was unwilling to listen.
My life was not going as planned.
I felt alone. I felt afraid. I felt LOST. Depression manifested and so life sent me to bed, and my capacity to feel connected to anything was gone. Apathy kicked in- protecting me like a shield of numbness until i was ready to choose life again, and ready to take a look, an honest look at the truths that seemed impossible to bear.
The hardest truth of all is owning the way your life looks. My life was a mess and the only one who could take responsibility for the reality was me. I could blame others all I wanted for things that had not been fair, kind, or reasonable- but it was not going to get me anywhere, and in fact- those excuses only made it worse.
Before I could find my way back to myself I had to dig toward that deeper truth and feel around for the roots of the pain inside myself. Where did it begin? The weeds that were choking out any possibility for new perspective, hope, redemption had to be tugged on, pulled out.
Taking a look does not mean that you can change the past. It does mean, however that you can take a different perspective, attitude, or interpretation of the course of events that have shaped your life.
I did not want to go back ( who does? ) but the past holds the key most times to the present.
We all have a past. Some of us are born into the world with disabilities, horrendous family disfunction, or experience a trauma along the way…. but you can only blame those circumstances for so long before you choose to create a different outcome…
Sometimes the sheer power of calling something the way it is (truth) is enough to set you free.
As I retraced my steps (with professional assistance at times) I had the opportunity to drop the seed’s of a new reality in the place of all the empty holes where I’d pulled at the roots….. I was not sure where it would lead, and the very exercise of it exhausted me.
After many days, months, now almost three years have passed. Coming into the spring of my life feels a lot like coming out of a deep freeze. As emotions no longer hold me trapped in time, the rays of sunlight and hope have begun to sprout happiness and joy and feelings of freedom where before there was so much pain and unhappiness.
Now as I walk the path I once dreaded, I can see the hopes, dreams, joys of life blooming all around me. The time I spent in darkness will always be remembered because it’s helped me to know the difference from the light.
I have learned how to dig in the garden, plant the seed’s for tomorrow, and most importantly- harvest the joy and gratitude of today.
Dominique is in her fifties and lost her job as editor of House & Garden when the magazine folded at the end of 2007. Like so many people lately, she was suddenly out of work. At the same time her children had left home, and she ended a long love affair, as well as sold the home that she thought she would live in forever.
Having lost my knitwear design job after sixteen years in 2007, I could relate to suddenly losing the main thing that she so accurately says “defined her days, paced and regulated her life.” She had feared losing it for many years, and when it happened, it nearly flattened her. With the busyness of her work gone, she was left with plenty of time to think about life, which she writes about with bold honesty and humor. It is like reading someone’s diary.
I especially like her quote of Adam Nicolson’s from Sea Room:
“At the back of that hurry is the knowledge that it is a screen against honesty.”
That is one powerful sentence.
Slow Love is about living life more slowly. As Dominique says, it is “the love that comes of an unhurried and focused attention to the simplest things, available to all of us, at any time, should we choose to engage…..Perhaps even importantly, slow love comes out of the quiet hours, out of learning from the silence that is always there when we want it.”
Slow Love is about finding peace. It’s a great read, and I highly recommend it.
Images are incredibly powerful- especially to us women. Lets face it- we are the image makers and the memory keepers of our families; our lives. We lovingly attend to our members, partners, spouses, children for years capturing them endlessly at each stage of development, each celebration… till suddenly there we are clicking away at our children’s college graduation when we realize we’ve failed to include our own image in the documentary process.
“Where am I?” we might ask ourselves.
WHO am I? we might also add….
Mostly we had been hiding out behind the camera… happy to take the shots. After all, how often are we showered, dressed, physically or emotionally prepared for our close up? UGH. It’s so very intimate for a woman! PLEASE CAMERA WOman.. BE KIND for pity’s sake!
Then here we are… we have this great opportunity … The Revelation Project can unearth the woman who’s been the rock of Gibraltar for everyone else …. has the hand of time, reality, child baring, family rearing, life been kind to us? or should we change that question… Let me repose: “Are we able to look at ourselves in consideration of time, reality, child baring, family rearing and be KIND to ourselves?.” What will be revealed? Who is that beauty? or… “UGH… OMG!!!, I can’t even TAKE it that I look that way!… WHAT HAPPENED TO Meeeee!”
Getting your photograph taken and then just “being” with the results is quite a process! Astonishing, provocative, emotional, shocking, gratifying, soothing, disturbing… each woman’s experience of being photographed and then her reaction to seeing her own images are all over the map.
The three of us who document this process for the women who come to participate in TRP decided to honor the process the other day. We all took turns shooting each other and has a FREAKING BLAST (be photographed like there is NO image captured = dance like no one is watching) the collective conversation since that time has been really quite incredible…
Our first mistake in taking our own photographs is that we peeked too soon = big mistake.
We “rushed” the high you get when you just let go and have some fun. Yeah… we kind of spoiled that part by looking at the results… (UM… hey, there’s a REVELATION!)
JUDGEMENT kicked in HARD but then some great conversation.
here are some excerpts from all of us….. you can have fun guessing who said what…..
“You know it is my never ending search to understand what it is about photos of ourselves that throws us for a loop sometimes. We are ever changing and in every moment we have a different expression on our faces. Its like the thing about how our emotions change every 15 seconds or so. It is the big “picture” (no pun intended) that we have to look at. How do we effect others by our expressions, our moods our actions that make us who we are. I believe that everyone will take away something different than someone else too.”
“The words “allowing” & “safe space” are resonating with me today while we go forward…I’m so glad that we have that perspective going forward because I think it sets a tone and and awareness to just “be” that safe space for them…for us…to be exactly who we are.”
“Regardless of how much our families love us- they too have a “boxed in” image of who we are and when we appear outside the box it causes discomfort in them- therefore the feelings of rejection, isolation, feeling mis-understood etc.”
“For years my mom would tell me “I was not acting like myself” and it became for me her way of invalidating the parts of me she could not accept. It was deeply painful. I had a skewed vision of who I was supposed to be.. how I was supposed to look.”
“For me- I can not stand myself in images for the most part. There are very very few I like of myself and even fewer that I love- I am fastinated by how others see me- what pictures THEY choose to like of me etc.That part is my revelation – along with starting to relate to my body a little more realistically. I don’t want to “get thick” and so when I see the “THICK” in the pics I realize that this is something then that I want to work on- and without the photo’s I tend to have magical thinking when I look in the mirror… putting off more rigorous workouts etc and then the other aspect to that is just accepting what time does to the female body. To MY female body!
“The thing is, we all have many layers “versions” to our personalities & that is, for me, what is so interesting. When we have the ability to capture these fragments in photographs created out of our lucid existence that is always moving and certainly….way too fast ~ it’s amazing & magical…what I continue to LOVE about photography!!”
“For me, it was more about letting go of the control and experiencing the other side of the camera in order to understand my subjects: how they feel; giving me a new creative perspective from which to work. It’s not easy for me to let go and let myself be “seen”…I’ve been very comfortable in my invisible/observatory role for many, many years.”
“Sometimes it is weird to see certain “versions” of myself in photos. I just sent the one you edited to a friend to see and she commented that it was pretty but did not “look” like me. We all have a self image that is known to ourselves but maybe not seen by others I guess. This is what this project is all about. I realized I need to have more fun like I had while we were shooting. I almost didn’t care how the shots came out. I just wanted to keep laughing and playing. The past few years have been super hard and way too serious….”
One climbs, one sees. One descends, one sees no longer, but one has seen. There is an art in conducting oneself in lower regions by memory of what one has seen higher up. When one can no longer see, one can at least still know.
- Rene Daumal
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this quote by Rene Daumal. To me, it’s about faith….. having faith even when you can not see.
This week was a complete whirlwind and I felt like I was living on the edge as I balanced obligation after obligation, but I felt ALIVE.
I’ve had lots of new growth in the business world of social media and so I happily lose myself in conversations about how they can help my client’s business grow with proper use of the medium, and my favorite part about teaching and consulting is seeing eye’s light up when someone has an a-ha! moment.
When Louise signed up to do The Revelation Project I did a completely blonde thing. Somehow as we were emailing back and forth I mistakenly must have conjoined an email that made the signature in her email come up as Rev.( for The REVelation Project) and then her name so it looked like this:
Rev.Louise Cady-Fernandes….from there I must have made up that we had a Reverend coming to do the project!! ( OMG!)
If that was not funny enough- when it came time to say a little meditation before the shoot we thought we’d allow her to do the honors… because it seemed fitting: we said… “you are the Reverend” only to find out that in fact she is: not. and so we howled and laughed for nearly 30 minutes before we could get on with the show. I came to find, that her heart and mind is blessed just the same. After making her dive into a bowl of water, swim across the floor and hold a parasol in her bathing goggles- trust me… it was one of the most blessed experiences ever, AMEN! Filled with belly laughs, vulnerability, and joy.
Enjoy the images and interview of a truly extraordinary woman I will forever adore and who will forever affectionately be known as: The Rev.
TRP: Would you tell us a little bit about yourself?
LCF: My husband Tom and I have two daughters. Our eldest is a sophomore in college and our youngest is a senior in high school. This makes us almost empty nesters, which is very sad for me. Until ’07 I worked for Susan Bristol Inc. in knitwear design for almost seventeen years. Since then I’ve been doing my own knitwear line called The Hole Thing, which has been only marginally successful in this hard economy. Currently, I am working towards bringing a food product to market. I am entrepreneur at heart. I also write about embracing aging, instead of dreading it on my blog called Lines of Beauty. I encourage women to age naturally and enjoy the process. http://www.linesofbeauty.com I am also swimming competitively again after getting back in the pool for the first time in 30 years for my 50th birthday in 2010.
TRP: What is the biggest challenge that’s ever faced you as a woman?
LCF: Infertility. I very luckily have two wonderful children but was never able to have any more after they were born. I know this probably sounds ridiculous to some but infertility is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. My heart goes out especially to women who aren’t able to conceive at all. I was able to heal myself finally by realizing that I wasn’t suppose to have a big family-that perhaps there was something else in the plan for me- but it was a long painful road for five years until I came to this.
TRP: What are some of the issues that you think are important to explore as it relates to the female gender?
LCF: There are so many but if I had to pick one right now it would have to be how women are depicted as sexual objects far too often in the media. Would we ever see an advertisement of a male with pouty lips, hiking his ass up in the air, on the back of a motorcycle? This is the kind of thing that kids are exposed to every day, day after day, like it is normal. The innocence of sexuality is so buried now in our culture and that to me is very sad. What I mean by this is that kids grow into their sexuality with way too many visions in their heads about how it is suppose to be instead of discovering naturally for themselves what it is like to be intimate with someone.
The Rev. Diving into a bowl of water
TRP: What scares you the most?
LCF: Besides losing a child? Gosh… well I will say this-fewer things scare me the older I grow, which is one of the many great things about aging I think. I am not nearly as fear based as I used to be thankfully. It use to be public speaking but now I think it’s airplanes. Not to the point that I won’t get on them, but they made me uncomfortable.
TRP: Three things about yourself you LOVE:
LCF: That I think outside of the box. That I am strong inside and out. And that I love love.
TRP: Is there anything in particular that made you feel like being part of the Revelation Project was a good idea right now?
LCF: I had asked Medelise- one of the first women to do the project- to be a beauty of the week on my blog Lines of Beauty. At first she was hesitant, but after doing the project she said yes. The change in her made me very curious about doing it myself.
About the shoot:
TRP: What did you think about the approach of the upcoming photo shoot (before you got there) and what were the results you were expecting?
LCF: I knew that it was probably going to be fun but it was completely outside my comfort zone and that is half the reason I did it- because it scared me. I remember pulling into Wakefield in the morning on a glorious day. I remember the light especially. I felt kind of like I have when going into a job interview- a little nervous but curious to find out more-plus I knew that it was probably going to be a lot more fun and it was.
TRP: How did you feel during the shoot and was there anything in particular that made you feel more or less relaxed or open to the process?
LCF: Monica, Robyn and Terry Lee made me feel calm and the longer they snapped away with their cameras, like two little monkeys hoping around, the more relaxed I became. They were amazing. When I walked in the door I pretty much gave myself over to them. I innately trusted them and this allowed me to go with the flow and relax into the incredible experience that it was.
TRP: Can you describe in three words the way you felt before we shot?
LCF: Kind of like it was the first day of kindergarten (oops that’s ten words!)
TRP: Three words for after?
LCF: Proud of myself.
TRP: Three words for when you saw the results?
LCF: Oh. My. Gosh!
TRP: After you left but before you saw the results – did you have any thoughts about the experience?
LCF: I was a little nervous about what the photos would look like, as I am not known to be photogenic, but either way I was very happy to have had the experience of putting myself in such a vulnerable situation. I am also not comfortable being the center of attention, especially for two hours, so I felt like I conquered this through the experience. I actually felt quite radiant.
TRP: What were some of the things you thought about on the drive home?
LCF: I kept looking at myself in the mirror with all the make-up on and saying- is this really me? I was basically very grateful for the experience on so many levels. I had also felt like I had just met some very amazing women.
TRP: When you saw the results can you tell me your first impression?
LCF: I loved so many of the photos. With a few of them I was, of course, overly critical of myself- but on the whole I saw a side of myself I had never ever seen before. Never tapped into. Doing the project was a real gift. Probably the biggest ones I have ever given to myself.
TRP: Can you talk about the feedback you received from those who saw your photographs?
LCF: It was all really, really positive. I think how I felt during the shoot was reflected in the photographs beautifully. The photos captured my essence on such a raw level. It was like being naked but with my clothes on. My sister said that she has never seen me smile so much. Seeing the photos made me want everyone to have the opportunity to do the project and honestly, I wanted everyone to do it even before I saw them.
TRP: Were there people who did not understand or responded less than favorably?
LCF: I think for my mom the number of photos was overwhelming. She is 90 years old and is from a generation where women were not taught to honor themselves let along pay so much attention to oneself. My sister showed her the photos but she never mentioned them to me. She is a very loving person but from a totally different generation. Years ago it would have hurt me that she didn’t say anything- but I understand why she didn’t. I think the whole idea was too outside her personal comfort zone.
TRP: What are some words you would use to describe how you were feeling throughout the shoot?
LCF: Happy. Honored. A little jittery. A little antsy. Joyful. Beautiful. It felt like it was my birthday but it wasn’t.
TRP: Did you learn anything new about yourself from the experience?
LCF: I learned that I can get over my uncomfortableness a lot more easily than I ever imagined. I learned that imperfection can sometimes be one of the most beautiful things and that I am very grateful for the whole package-inside and out. I am far from being classically beautiful and have some very quirky things about my features- deep, close-set eyes, a very prominent nose with a deviated septum and thin lips. Not to mention varicose veins and small boobs….
TRP: Did you feel empowered? Why? Why not?
LCF: Absolutely. The shoot will forever be one of the highlights of my life because it got me to see a different version of myself. It made me more grateful.
TRP: Since the shoot happened -can you talk about the lasting impact of the experience?
LCF: I absolutely feel more confident. I saw things about myself in the photos that I didn’t know existed.
TRP: Has it altered the way you view yourself or your surroundings?
LCF: For certain. In countless ways.
TRP: Do you think this was an important/valuable experience for yourself?
LCF: Yes
TRP: Why?
LCF: Because it made me appreciate myself and that just naturally overflows into appreciating other people, which is what humans want more than anything.
TRP: Do you think it’s relevant for other women?
LCF: For sure.
TRP:Why?
LCF: Do it and find out. I promise that you will learn many things about yourself and that it will be a wonderful experience. Even if you are scared.
TRP: How would you use the photos moving forward? Professionally? Personally? As gifts?
LCF: Two of the photos have already been used in the current issue of Women Magazine for an article I was in about competitive swimming and about my blog on aging gracefully.
TRP: What is your favorite song and why?
LCF: You’ve Got A Friend by Carol King. It reminds me of a time in life when I was young and life was way less complicated. Close friendships have always been very important to me and because of this the song to this day still rings true.
TRP: If you could sum up the experience what would you say?
LCF: I would say that it was valuable in so, so many ways- emotionally, spiritually and physically.
TRP: If someone were on the fence about doing it is there anything you would tell them about the experience or say to encourage them?
LCF: Do what you are afraid to do. Nothing makes us feel better than doing what scares us and getting on the other side of it. If I can do it- so can you.
TRP: Any Revelations to share?
LCF: I am forever changed because of the experience of putting myself in front of the camera and being vulnerable. I feel like a flower that has finally fully bloomed. There is beauty in absolutely everyone.
In the place where I found my selves I discovered many aspects that make up the citizen’s of me.
As Mayor of me I feel I have an obligation to my citizens.
My role is to advocate for myself- weather it’s to be heard, healed, supported, celebrated, or cared for in some way. I also need to protect my selves from harm weather internal, or external and will act accordingly when any of my “peeps” are threatened or otherwise mis-treated.
My eye is always toward the goal of “SELVES acceptance” and so I campaign for this often.
I want them to love myself and vote my self back into office year after year, but ego aside, I also want my selves to have the resources they need to make considerate choices about the other members of our selves who live here and to make this body, mind and spirit a beautiful place to “BE” me.
It’s important that we work together to accept one another because then each aspect of ourselves can then co-exist with mutual respect and love for one another, and more importantly we can learn from and benefit one another.
I can not tolerate any one aspect harshly judging another because – like the spokes on a wheel – if I allow us to undermine our self then we can not work with integrity as a whole [person.]
Nor can I tolerate self sabotage because that makes me difficult for the rest of me.
It’s critical that we here at me operate with integrity and work to hold ourselves accountable. Self- policing is encouraged, but please do not abuse this power. We all make mistakes and must be allowed to make them so that we learn from them.
I know, it sounds like what I want it a utopia of sorts here at citizen me- but in fact- my wish is far from it. I simply long to govern each aspect of me with compassion, consistency, structure, freedom and forgiveness so that we can all become the best selves we can be for the me’s of tomorrow.
As women we still have a long way to go if we want to see “change” happen in our lifetime.
As the head of our households we are the role model for our children.
When I was a little girl I wanted to be President of the United States for about a day because when I said it out loud – My Dad laughed. I loved my Dad- AND he was part of a generation that believed that a woman’s place was in the home, and that college for women was really about finding a good husband who could “take care” of me. I was clear on this when I got a full scholarship to a prestigious art school in the midwest and he refused it- because I would never meet an fellow male artist who could support me. As I write this – I feel a stirring in my gut- part anger, and part amazement. As a little girl, our Mom’s and Dad’s set the tone for how we view our “place” in the world- I certainly got and believed that message.
It took me till I was well into adulthood to claim myself and I still new pieces of myself everyday now that my world view has shifted.
If we take a quick look around these days women are more confused than ever and continue to be abused by our society and the media.
Objectified
Assaulted
Trafficked
Exploited
Pitted against one another
Undermined
Underpaid
These are just some of the devastating truths about how are are still “managed” in the world. Even though the global population is 51% female and has the majority voice… ours is barely still a whisper.
We give birth to the majority of American children who are: confused, anxious, angry, violent, neglected, obese, dazed, and drugged.
The media is running this crazy train and we are becoming increasingly empty, unavailable, and disconnected from our spiritual selves as a society and when I say that I do NOT imply that we need more religion. What we need is DIS-connection from MEDIA and RE- Connection to the self. We’ve completely lost our ability to “listen in” to the wisdom of self.
As women- we need to start a revelation. We need to start accessing IN- sights that can help us to wake to our own inner being and higher self.
It’s this self inside of each one of us that can lead the way for change.
and change it must.
IT MUST CHANGE.
The Most Common Way People Give Up Their Power is That They Think That They Don’t Have Any.
