There was a time in my life that I could not feel joy for many many months. My inner world was beckoning for my awakening and I was unwilling to listen.
My life was not going as planned.
I felt alone. I felt afraid. I felt LOST. Depression manifested and so life sent me to bed, and my capacity to feel connected to anything was gone. Apathy kicked in- protecting me like a shield of numbness until i was ready to choose life again, and ready to take a look, an honest look at the truths that seemed impossible to bear.
The hardest truth of all is owning the way your life looks. My life was a mess and the only one who could take responsibility for the reality was me. I could blame others all I wanted for things that had not been fair, kind, or reasonable- but it was not going to get me anywhere, and in fact- those excuses only made it worse.
Before I could find my way back to myself I had to dig toward that deeper truth and feel around for the roots of the pain inside myself. Where did it begin? The weeds that were choking out any possibility for new perspective, hope, redemption had to be tugged on, pulled out.
Taking a look does not mean that you can change the past. It does mean, however that you can take a different perspective, attitude, or interpretation of the course of events that have shaped your life.
I did not want to go back ( who does? ) but the past holds the key most times to the present.
We all have a past. Some of us are born into the world with disabilities, horrendous family disfunction, or experience a trauma along the way…. but you can only blame those circumstances for so long before you choose to create a different outcome…
Sometimes the sheer power of calling something the way it is (truth) is enough to set you free.
As I retraced my steps (with professional assistance at times) I had the opportunity to drop the seed’s of a new reality in the place of all the empty holes where I’d pulled at the roots….. I was not sure where it would lead, and the very exercise of it exhausted me.
After many days, months, now almost three years have passed. Coming into the spring of my life feels a lot like coming out of a deep freeze. As emotions no longer hold me trapped in time, the rays of sunlight and hope have begun to sprout happiness and joy and feelings of freedom where before there was so much pain and unhappiness.
Now as I walk the path I once dreaded, I can see the hopes, dreams, joys of life blooming all around me. The time I spent in darkness will always be remembered because it’s helped me to know the difference from the light.
I have learned how to dig in the garden, plant the seed’s for tomorrow, and most importantly- harvest the joy and gratitude of today.