How many times have we killed ourselves throughout our own precious lives?

Killed our own spirit by shaming ourselves, berating ourselves, denying ourselves?

I once was very ill.  I’m sure it was a combination of ingredients that made for the perfect storm…  i was so sick, and tried everything to heal… anti-depressants, sleep aids, therapy, fresh air, better food, and then; acupuncture, massage, exercise, chakra clearing, yoga, … finally I was asked a question that gave me the “revelation” i needed to begin my real journey to wellness and the question was this:

“Do you speak to your loved ones as harshly as you speak to yourself?”

I sat there, dumbfounded.

“uh, … no… i would n-e-v-e-r……”

and he replied

“Than why do you speak that way to yourself? – You are making yourself ill, and if you continue- you will eventually kill yourself…. do you want that? “

I had to admit although I’d contemplated that one way, coach class ticket out of misery I really just wanted to be well again, be happy.

Happy.

Oh what did happiness feel like? I couldn’t remember.

So I tuned in to the voice that I’d lived with my whole life and when I caught myself I realized that I was abusing myself. The abuse was harsh, cruel, and unusual punishment for a woman who’d honestly done her best… had the best intentions, made mistakes sure- who doesn’t…  ?

I started to wonder as I listened- like as If I were simply an observer suddenly to my own life…  ”wow, listen to how i speak to myself… treat myself… i wonder why i do that? ” and of course I had to realize that making myself wrong yet again for the way I was speaking to myself would only perpetuate the problem.  I set out to change it but first I had to invite a third party in ….

It was at that time- I met my kind, wise, patient, forgiving, and higher self.

My way of changing this deeply ingrained habit was to literally “live” with the three aspects of me.

My doing self; My judging self; and my loving self.

When I would do something.. my judging self would kick in… and my indicator was that I had a feeling in my chest, or my shoulders were tense,  I was not relaxed, I avoided eye contact, deflected complements from others…

My doing self’s job was simple: just notice, and invite my loving self to come…

She began in a forceful manner wanting to kick some ass

“lay off her!” she’d yell to my judging self…

“she’s doing the best she can!” and then more gently over time… “great work Monica – she would say…” or “you look nice today!” or “today is perfect the way it is…” or “you are allowed to make mistakes, ease up.”

My judging self battled her for a while.. resisted being led by someone more powerful… but as great leaders do- she was able to have cooperation and co-creation from my judging self over time with patience, and practice.

If you’ve killed yourself and are feeling dead inside I have one question for you….

Where’d you hide the body?

Turn yourself in. It’s the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself and for others.  Life is for the living.