It’s so healthy to dream….
For a long time- I forgot to dream. I had structured my life to be so hectic and overwhelming that I was finding no time for dreaming… I had become quite cynical and resigned and started viewing dreams and aspirations as “having my head in the clouds”.
There was no room for possibility. My life was to get up and work, do the check list of tasks, get the groceries, kids fed and clothed, car washed, calls made, errands done… exhausted and uninspired go to bed and sleep a dreamless sleep only to wake up and do it all over again. Some insane machine inside of me was driving me to distraction- they were everywhere, and I let my life be managed by the chaos- living life as if it were a life sentence.
Making the decision to stop the madness and get to the root of my unhappiness has sent me on the journey of a lifetime. I had to take inventory of all the aspects of my life that were making me miserable- all of the things that were getting in the way of my enthusiasm for life. It took brutal honesty… and it was not without a tremendous amount of pain.
- I stopped drinking ( not forever, but for a period of one year) Everyday when I would come home from the hectic pace of my day ( Running my company) I would immediately open a bottle of un-wind and drink a few glasses. I began to replace the need to drink with a long walk at the end of the day and I’d listen to music or an inspiring pod-cast or book as I walked. This would get me just as relaxed and sleepy as the wine and so I found I was able to have more stamina at night- read to the kids, do some journaling… etc.
- Once the wine or alcohol was not there to take my discomfort away I was forced to BE with my emotions. It took me a while to hone in on these because I had numbed myself. Overtime I began to realize that I had a lot of undelivered communication in my life. I had been withholding communication from my husband, my friends, my co-workers. It was time to create conversations that would help shift my reality.. and so I did. Again, one of the most difficult things I had ever done. Being honest about the state of my world and coming clean about the things I had done or not done to achieve the landfill I had before me was very difficult for everyone because It meant I’d have to talk about things that were happening ( and might have been happening for years) and open “Pandora’s Box” and as a result… relationships that were toxic or had become toxic either ended or transformed as a result of these conversations.
- I started journaling and writing more authentically. I once believed that I could not be honest in my own writing! What if someone read the things I wrote? !!! I laugh now to think that I would write as if someone else might read it! So i wrote everything… the pain, the joy, the regrets, the anger, the outrage. Getting it out and on paper helped me to identify other things I wanted to shift.
- I got myself a good therapist that my insurance covered and for $20.00 a week – she helped me talk through the things I wanted to change, and the emotions that trapped me. She helped me look at modes of behavior that were no longer serving me, and helped me understand my unhappiness and even befriend it. She recommended articles and books to read to help me along my path, and most importantly encouraged me to “dream.” What’s that? I remember thinking… as I had no idea how to believe that a different reality was possible.
- I began to make small adjustments in my life ( and some very big ones) that would support me in living with more consciousness and compassion. I started to actually take time for myself… pedicure, a walk along the water, a meeting with an old friend, a day trip… talking about and sharing where I was at with the people around me I knew I could be safe with… without judgement (there were not many).
It’s been almost four years since, and on the one hand I can’t believe how long it’s taken to feel good again, and on the other I can really see how waiting any longer could have been incredibly detrimental to my health, my children’s wellbeing, my carrer , and most importantly my own sense of self. When you have been unhappy over a long period of time it begins to become toxic to those around you. Your self hatred turns to depression… no way to live.
I used to see people use the term “Bucket List” and I’d say… who needs one of those? I get now that it’s like dreaming… being filled with inspiration to actually do things that are outside of your daily life and routine and are part of larger aspirations you have for your own life. When you are filled with unhappiness and self loathing.. you can’t really achieve that.
So here I am Four years later realizing that there’s a lot of living to do! Things I want to experience and aspirations I want to have realized. I’ve started my very own bucket list!
More to be revealed….