I’ve been out of alignment for the last couple of weeks but I keep thinking I’ll pick up the phone and make an appointment with Dr. Post. What was a little twinge in my right side hip is now my whole right side, neck, shoulder, low back. I know better, and yet kept pushing on, and pushing until now I’m forced to make that call, take care of myself. It’s my Pilates morning, but I can’t go when I’m in pain like this, wich means I will not exercise today. I was “gonna” yesterday… but then it rained.
Things seem chaotic. Is it just me or have I forgotten that I have a computer with a calendar planner that syncs to my phone which can even alarm me should I be running late or off my schedule? Helping my technology help me only requires that I actually use the instrument to book my appointments…. life gets hectic when I get caught off guard for an appointment I never put into my schedule, but then I likely took the appointment thinking I would remember to plug it into my phone …. which of course, i did not. Would it take more than just that one minute to stop, plug in the data, so that I can rest easy and know that I am scheduled? Nope… just takes a minute.. but I did not do it.
When my life gets mismanaged, everyone pays dearly. The kids get to school late, I feel tired and grumpy and foggy in my mind. I feel anxious… can’t catch my breath, and wear my shoulders as my earrings. When life gets hectic – I don’t eat correctly, and I might even go the entire morning without a thing to eat – running on coffee and adrenaline. I might seem “productive” and yet I’m gearing up for the big crash.
When I crash and burn I usually have to take a big step back, and sometimes go to bed with some illness because I’ve let myself get so run down my immune system tanks. It’s cold and flu season… perhaps I get a migrane, a flare up of Fibromialgia.
If I trace back the origin of the downward spiral – I can pin point what it is….almost (with a little help from my coach).
It starts with a choice.
I chose ( in a flash of an instant) not to be “dominated” by a schedule, or not to take a moment to do what needs to be done to take care of myself. I chose not to do what I know I should do, and I chose to do this from some place deep inside myself that has this reckless and relentless bar to hold up for myself to go go go….press on, move, keep on, perform on, jump, win, succeed. It is the destroyer me. The saboteur. The dark horse that wants to come in and shuffle the papers on the neat and orderly desk of life and throw practicality, discipline, care, compassion, and well being out the window. She is Manic Monica.
She is the one that acts as the front man while her better half is waiting in the check out line for her wake up call. Even though it’s not CLEAR when this is happening – there is some part of me KNOWs that I’ve lost my center, and in order to get back to center I need to stop, take stock, PAUSE…
and then re-commit to doing life in a way that works.
When I am disconnected from SOURCE / SELF I am literally not aligned. In this place I am simply spiraling…. down, down, down.
My life can really messy, really fast, if I let the other monica drive. She will see that the gas tank light is on empty but know she still has 25 miles to go before she REALLY runs out of gas. She will put the petal to the metal and flirt with danger getting dangerously close to the unhealthy edge. She will drive us off into the land of “fuck it” if not in check, and her eyes are usually ablaze while she is “in it” , hell she might even have a cigarette dangling out of her mouth.
Loving myself well at this time would be to check in and get my present self back into the drivers seat…. the one who knows that life should never get so busy that the gas gauge even gets close to empty. The one who knows that being “full up” is about being “grown up” and taking “responsibility” for the BIG life she chooses to live. Her wisdom knows that when you let life run on empty and you “opt out” – you get what you get…. and it’s usually not pretty, or particularly effective.
Old habits die hard, and yet they must die to make new possibilites available. It all starts with loving myself well…. and although I can not stop my sh*it from happening, what I can do is get better about recognizing it when it’s not working.
It’s a good day to begin again… without beating myself up for falling into that same old same old. Beating myself up will not change it. Now it’s time to ease up, meditate, breathe, slow down, and call Dr. Post for my adjustment.
Thanks Coach. XO
Please Reveal: Who is sitting in the drivers seat of your life today and what is she like? I’d love to know what happens when you feel disconnected and what brings you back to center. Please comment in the fields below!