Thirty TWISTED SISTER Facts About Me…..

murder

Most of you know I’m really trying hard to get our blog noticed in an effort to further the goals of the project. I guess you could say I’ll try anything….

Lately I’ve been trolling the blogo-sphere, and twitter-sphere in unwholesome ways, trying to discover new ways to link others to us. I’ve noticed that one of the ways bloggers are trying to generate interest and more traffic is to list thirty interesting things about themselves.

I’ve found a few to be “kind of” compelling lists,  but then i think, LAME!  What’s so interesting about super safe and boring?

For example, this was on several of the thirty facts lists:  I learned to walk when i was __________ fill in the blank.

I am re-vamping the format because i think it calls for more vulnerability, and frankly, a little more insanity, and transparency.  I want to know personal secrets, embarrassments, shames, family secrets, arrests,where bodies are hidden-  whacky things about people I can relate to. Things I maybe spent my whole life wondering if I was “the only one” who did that!  and then learn I have some kindred spirit (oh god, I may live to regret these words).

I am going to play along (kind-of) in hopes that someone, somewhere will relate to my compulsion to mix this thirty-something-list-about me into something a little more dirty, deranged, and interesting. At the very least, they might feel like they can rest at ease knowing how normal they are in comparison.

I’m going to try to keep these facts really weird, and borderline interesting, but embarrassingly true. Please excuse my candor, it’s rated RW (raw ,weird) and try your very best not to judge me. Don’t you bitches (and I do mean that in the nicest of ways), judge me. You can quietly gloat, gossip, or spread additional rumors as need be, but just don’t judge me. I know you also have #30 weirdo factoids about yourself that you would be afraid to share… and if you do – i’ve got nothing but love for you baby.

Here goes: THIRTY of the most weirdo facts, and details you NEVER wanted to know about me that I can  possibly muster at this time on a Thursday morning in no particular order.

Wait, before we begin… If you would be so kind, at the end, in the comments? Can you please let me know which one is your favorite? Maybe even share one of your own?,  and by all means if you can relate -just tell me the number.. like #4.  OK?

Are we on?

(and don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE!!!… i love you!- put in your email address in the box on the side bar!, ok, and i’m sorry if you read this and decide instead, to unsubscribe…. ok. yeah… this could happen too…but I hope not!)

Huge gulp….

LIST OF THIRTY TWISTED THINGS ABOUT ME:

  1. I have only once ever successfully completed one full journal, even though I have been journaling since I was twelve, and have kept every single one.  I have one that’s filled with lies so that I could seem interesting. I was thirteen.
  2. I love picking the lint out of blowdryers. I get in this trance when I do it- you know, the old ones… that trap the lint? Yeah, like I almost start drooling when I do it because it’s so satisfying.
  3. I have a Q-tip problem and HAVE to clean my ears every single day… or I don’t feel clean ( wtf? i know).
  4. I smoke several times a week but no one really knows (only you) because I only smoke a few puffs and then I throw it away (this will be changing because my daughter caught me last week- shit! and I don’t know why i do it and don’t you dare judge me. I’m cringing right now).
  5. Sometimes I know things, and I don’t know why, I just do… things I should not know and that no one has ever told me- I think it’s a sixth sense but I may just be full of shit.  Not sure.
  6. I hate.hate.hate. JAZZ.
  7. I went to visit my eldest brother (he’s 21 years older than I) when I was like nine years old, in Toronto, and while he was at work I found this corner drug store that sold Playboy… I sat on the floor near the magazine rack and looked through each and everyone of them, as adults walked in and out, laughing at what i was doing but not telling me not to.   I was completely and utterly spellbound by the pictures and in particular loved this one of this woman with her breasts stuck through the ornate iron headboard of an iron bed. Consequently thats about the time i also learned what it meant to masterbate.
  8. I used to steal Codeine from pain bottles in peoples medicine cabinets and take it because it made me feel better (I learned later that it was because i had add/adhd and was self medicating) so if you had me over to your house as a teen and found you were missing a few pills… sorry. It wasn’t at all personal.
  9.  I love the show LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE (and pretend I am watching it for my daughters sake) I always wished that “Pa” had been my dad… or my lover… ok, that sounded weird. Oh! perfect- that’s what this list is all about! 
  10. Jeez, I have NO IDEA how I am going to divulge 30 of these, and i’m feeling like I should probably not go out in public for a while after publishing this.  If you see me, and have read this… lets just have a little sign between us.  Just say “happy thirty” so I can walk in the other direction.
  11. I taught a few friends how to shop lift when I was sixteen and all of them got caught at various points, but I never did.  Year’s later, as a grown up I felt so guilty I used to go into the shops and leave money on the counter and walk out, or go spend something there even if I did not like the stuff. I also would punish myself by making myself do chores in honor of the person I stole from.  I once tried to flog myself but it hurt, so I stopped.
  12. I once went to confession and told the priest I hated God, and Jesus, and everything holy, and that I wished there was no such thing as church, and that I wanted to kill my sister, while my mother waited for me in the pew outside. ( I love God, I love Jesus… I was a very angry and confused child).
  13. I cheated my way into College… I filled out an application that was given to a friend of mine who was a strait A student.  It had a gold star on it which helped the admissions office sort through applications of students that were already approved.  Two days before the start of college the Dean of Students called my Dad to tell him what had happened, and that I was in no way a candidate for the school.  I ended up going there anyway because my Dad put me in the car and white knuckled it up to NYC for a meeting with said Dean.  I think he bribed him with thousands of dollars, but somehow I was admitted as an “already on probation” status.  I managed to graduate with honors.
  14. My Mother was a Nun before leaving the convent and marrying my Father ( you can’t make this shit up).
  15. I used to pretend I was adopted and make up weird stories to tell my friends parents about my family.  I should have just told them the truth because it would have been even weirder! It was my way of creating mystery and intrigue, but what it really resulted in was a lack in play date invitations, and a general shunning.
  16. I still don’t know my times tables and I was recently diagnosed with ADD. I’ve had it all my life, but no one knew.  I basically faked my way through school, cheating, lying, copying, forging, and plagiarizing.
  17. I usually take two baths a day.  I have to take baths.  I have this thing with being clean. I hate to be dirty. Hate it.
  18. Although I’m really weird, I am also really smart (unconventionally) and very generous.  I would pretty much do anything for someone I love… and I’m really not exaggerating.. it’s unhealthy.
  19. I’ve never killed anything in my life (except an occasional spider, some crickets in my friends basement, and some ant’s that I step on everyday which at this point likely make me a mass murderer, so ok.. i guess I can’t really make this claim- never mind.)
  20. My grandfathers name was Romeo. I never met him.  He and My Grandmother had eleven kids together…i guess that’s kind of expected with a name like Romeo.
  21. I had chronic hives for twenty seven years and went to see an energy healer who made them go away. I’ve been hive free for five years.
  22. I was once dangerously depressed and stayed in bed every day for close to eight months. What finally helped me get better was going to a Shaman who told me I had a dark entity inside me, and he needed to pull it out… go figure.
  23. I’ve only ever been deeply in love 2 X in my life.  One of those times being with the man i am with now.
  24. I love to “pick” things.. ugh. i know. gross.
  25. My Father was born in 1923 and died when i was twenty.  He and my Mom were 20 years apart in age.
  26. My family was incredibly dysfunctional, and turned out some of the most amazing, intelligent, and socially responsible people I know- and I know a lot of people.  I love my family. I’m proud of them.
  27. I am an amazing Mom… I really am. Weird, and kind of spacey, but amazing.
  28. After living with my Mother for the last 42 years of my life and wondering if she was insane, we actually just discovered that she has significant brain damage from an aneurysm she suffered right before she met my Dad.  She was Twenty-Five. I love my Mom. I do… she’s amazing.. AND, growing up with her was Nutty with a capital N.  Now, I get to just love her instead of blaming her and being angry.  I love you Mom.
  29.  I once gave a presentation to one of the largest and most well known advertising agencies in the world ( there were over seventy people in the room) and had a panic attack three minutes into the presentation.  I thought i was having a heart attack, and had to beg them not to call an ambulance. I had to pace and breathe and put my head between my legs. I have never been so mortified in all my life.
  30. I once had my butt operated on.  It’s not what you think so get your mind out of the gutter woman.  The date of my surgery- I got my period.  My surgeon was one of the most handsome men I have ever seen in my life.  They gave me a spinal so I was awake through the whole thing, I was also in “jack-knife” position. This doctor also bought the house next door and ended up being my next door neighbor for a few years. He’d smile and wave each time we saw me…  I’ve never wished to black out an event in my life so badly as I do this one.

Before I sign off, I want to remind you that we have an agreement.  If you judge me, and I find out, you can then deal with the thirty potential behaviors I listed above.  I have been known to cheat, lie, steal, and kill.
That’s not a threat… it’s just…. well… it’s just the way I am, and oh, fyi- this list is just the shit I can remember.
Also, I am giving away prizes for those of you who also publish your own “twisted list” and want to share it to our TRP facebook wall.  The prizes are awesome, and no, I’m not telling you what they are- take a fucking chance on something exciting for the love of God (i love you God).

(Don’t forget to subscribe! – I love you! xoxoxo)

judge

m4s0n501

Comments

  1. PB says

    OMG!!! Brilliant….We all need to do this! I am a terrible writer but I’m going to give it my best shot! Might take a few days, so stand by!

  2. says

    #15 – definitely. I used to ask to see my adoption papers on every birthday – even as an adult. My mom would always pull out the birth certificate and pics of me in the hospital. I still have my doubts.

  3. Kim says

    totally awesome monica! sorry to say that we now have to end our “play” dates. i never knew you were a killer:(

  4. says

    so monica… i’m so happy that you were able to write so openly. however, we will now have to terminate our play dates… i never knew you were a killer:(

  5. Julia says

    #2, #3, #4 off and on since college as recently as right before I was pregnant with GP and I only quit for fear of the older kids finding out..
    #5! Me, too! Freaky stuff about people! I really truly believe it has something to do with the ADD, but I don’t know why.
    #13 The flogging!?!? I just peed my pants laughing.
    #18 All. Day. Long.
    #27 You are a fantastic Mom and I’ve seen you in action.
    I loved this! I’ll do one if you don’t think it can be used against me in court! lol

  6. says

    1, 5, 11, 15, 18, 26, 27, 28… Vulnerability at its finest, funniest, sweetest, humanist…
    I love you darlin. You have just given women the greatest gift ever; self acceptance with humor.
    PRICELESS!

    • Terri Davidson says

      Were we seperated at birth? You sound like you could be me or at least my sister! I feel better already. Can’t wait to start my list.

  7. says

    Swinging for the fences
    Swinging from a tree
    Swinging with the neighbors next door
    Letting go
    Giving them a show
    You are Going, going, gone

    Step right up to the plate
    Settle in and stare them down
    Grip it and rip it
    Tear the cover off it
    They’ll never know what hit ‘em
    Sis, you are Going, going – long gone

    The crowd’s on their feet
    Your love and life is so stand up
    So what if they don’t get the joke
    Your laughter sounds so different
    Now that you know you can, you just know you can…
    You have definitely left the park

    Love you, you dare-devil…

    • says

      I’m totally laughing like an idiot. I think I’ve lost my mind lately. WHAT a great POEM! you are the one hitting them out of the park lately. I’ve got a private stash of Grady James- just let me know when we go to the publisher. My book, your poems… YES!

      • blenda says

        #5 – I know stuff too, sometimes I don’t know its significant until it actually happens… One example, I started to get the feeling my dad was not going to be around much longer, within the year he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Then one Sunday I was at a football game watching my cheerleader. Not being a football fan, I never really watched the game but did some arts & crafts project. I was compelled to look up and saw this football boy flying up into the air with all the other players around him.(it looked like that war memorial with the flag I thought) Then I thought, that it must mean something. Later, as I was opening the screen door, the phone began to ring, and I knew in that second the call was to tell me my dad had died. He was due to start treatment the next day, he never made it, he was so angry about his diagnosis… As near as I have been able to figure, he died about the time that boy was flying into the air to catch that football. Sometimes its hard just knowing things…

        Also, all my friends know, if you want to get Twisted Sister facts out of me, just get me a little drunk! Thanks for sharing, b.

  8. says

    Monica, I don’t know how the heck I came across your blog just now (I think from twitter) but you have me cracking the heck up and you’ve found yourself a new reader girl! I love your writing style and this list is THE best list ever!!

    Still.can’t.stop.laughing… LOL

    • says

      Lakesha is in the house! YAY! I am so so glad to meet you girl! THANK YOU for your kind compliment. I am looking forward to getting to know you! You subscribed yes? You rock. XO

  9. says

    We were separated at birth. I sooo love you.

    I think making a list will be very therapeutic.

    I can get all my skeletons out of the closet!

    My favorites are 7, 13, and 30.

    With love,
    Your masterbating, jazz hating, ADD’ish prairie girl with the Q-tip in her ear, who likes to pick at things before she writes in her journal.