Tag Archives: Divorce

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Laughter is the Sun that Drives the Winter From the Human Face.

collage of laughter

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face. -Victor Hugo

Sometimes, we forget to laugh.

Usually when i am locked in my head … thoughts thinking…. i can get very serious. very.   I don’t even notice when the rigid lines in my jaw become set and my mind thoughts trickle down into my body.  I become a walking frown.

Have you ever noticed in those moments that the whole body begins to take it on?  That the thoughts you are thinking, actually start to create your reality?  A reality your body whole heartedly believes, as evidenced by our tight shoulders, upset stomachs, head-aches. Our minds can be so convincing-  monkey mind be damned!

Our universal gifts get us through in these times. The go-to for life’s ills: sex, laughter, flowers, children, friendship, exercise  love, food…. there are so many things that make the rest worth it, but the best of all, I think is laughter.

Life’s instant elixir.

I remember going to see Dr. Zellda Keath when I was at the end of my rope.  I truly was looking for any reason to hang myself (terrible to say, but true).

My own private mountain of bad choices had piled up in front of me, making it impossible to see into the distance.  All I could see was more of the same… and in order to deal with any of it- I mostly slept my days away.  I slept as often as I could to get away from my pain. I slept as often as I could because anywhere was better than here, and until I had the courage to off myself- sleep seemed a good choice.

I’ll never forget her eyes… as she looked right into me after I told her how I was feeling.  My big story that justified every single reason I was, the way I was… and now my body getting sick to prove it!

She looked at me very seriously as she treated my body with acupuncture, and said, the wisest words I have ever heard.

She said:

“It sounds like, you forgot to laugh”

I remember feeling stunned for a moment… like, huh?  How could I laugh when everything has fallen apart?  My marriage, my business, my friendships, my …. everything.

and then, as she smiled at me with a twinkle in her eyes, i suddenly knew that she was not mocking me, or invalidating my suffering, She’d known suffering, I could see it plain as day as I looked back into her, and it was wise, and it was quiet, and it was gentle, and it was fierce.

By saying this to me, she was inviting me to come back from the world of loathing, and back into the world of acceptance and love. She was showing me, how I could surrender… instantly. She was going to leverage the best medicine she could find in this “dire” situation, to bridge the gulf, that stood between me, and my life.

All of this passed between us, somehow, in one endless instant.  It’s not like I had time to think it through… it was just a knowing… an instinctual, survival, place in side me that began to bubble up from deep inside my body…

….a place that had not known light for so long, that it was weak, and pale, emaciated. It was protecting itself at first, from the brightness of this place, as it crawled to the surface….

a laugh.

Trying it out on it’s wobbling legs, I heard it again… a giggle,

…and then she giggled back,

and then I,

and then she, until it grew so strong that our laughter was bouncing from every surface in that room, and tears were streaming down my face as I lay there with needles coming out of every dejected point in my body, I laughed, and laughed, and laughed,  all the while catching her own in my soul, and gulping it down to quench the thirst of my pain, and the ache in my heart that left me alone, barren in the middle of the desert prison I had built myself.  I was out, and she had offered my oasis as laughter.

When i left her office that day, I embraced her with the most genuine sense of connection, love, and hope that I had felt, in a long long time.

She had offered me the light, through the most simple, and effective entry point.  Precisely the medicine I needed, at that very time.

Don’t forget to laugh.

No matter what.

Revelation: It Is What It Is

For the past three nights I have been in dress rehearsal for school night, and tonight is the real deal.

Dinner served at 6:00 pm – snack served at 7:00 pm with some chamomile tea and milk, a few butter crackers and some apples with almond butter.  The kids quietly work on a geography puzzle while we chill into the groove of bedtime on the first school night.  I’m feeling pretty good about all of this…large and in charge –  lunches are packed and already in the fridge for morning.  Kids have their clothes laid out for the am wake up call. Perhaps a celebratory glass of white wine is in order?

I’m not sure what happened to trigger the release of emotion but my son, age seven seemed to have some kind of seismic shift, and before my very eyes his little place of peace was broken as he began to cry in gut wrenching sobs while trying to modify the fit of  the pieces of his geo puzzle.

What on earth?

“I don’t want you and Daddy to get a divooorcccee!” he cried finally amidst pieces of broken cracker and Montreal.

huh? where was this coming from?

“I want you to get back together and I want us to be a family again!!!” he wailed as he looked at me- his face awash with a mix of dispair and longing.

Ooooh, how i had planned for this moment…  I’d had it all rehearsed… years ago; and since I can barely remember my own birth date I am hardly a candidate for the total recall of  my best laid plans.

“shit” I said under my breath as I put the still empty wine glass back on it’s shelf.

I gathered him into my arms- but he did not want me just yet; he wanted the impossible….

“oooh honey… where is this coming from? “

“Meeee! It’s coming from meeeee! – hiccup, sob, squenched  up face with tears running endlessly down his freckled cheeks.

“it’s all my faauuult” he sobbed as he laid his head in his hands, giving up all together before even giving Quebec a chance.

My ten year old daughter was;  for once,  at a loss for words as she looked from his blonde bobbing sobbing head to me…

“ok- do something… or he’s gonna make me cry too” she said finally.

“Ok guys.. I started… “

I stopped.

What was there to say? How many times had I myself driven to the very depths of my own soul to try to fix what had broken between their Dad and I.  How many times had I cried in complete and utter dispair and sadness over the loss of my family? us? the picture of my /our life- never to be the same? How often had I railed in anger at the indifference of fate?  There’s no bandaid in the first aid kit for this one… it’s just got to bleed out. It’s the only hope of healing… i know this.

“come” I say to them both….

“sit with me, and let me hold you tight and tell you….”

“I so understand.”

“I so get it.”

“i know it hurts.”

“I know.”

“I know.”

Sitting with them in this broken place of pain and honesty and letting it BE what it is without trying to fix, sugar coat, bargain, change or alter was really very very freeing.  Being with my children in this way was a precious gift tonight…

Sometimes there is simply no way to fix it…. sometimes; it just is, what it is.

Revelation: The Bucket List

It’s so healthy to dream….

For a long time-  I forgot to dream.  I had structured my life to be so hectic and overwhelming that I was finding no time for dreaming… I had become quite cynical and resigned and started viewing dreams and aspirations as “having my head in the clouds”.

There was no room for possibility.  My life was to get up and work, do the check list of tasks, get the groceries, kids fed and clothed, car washed, calls made, errands done… exhausted and uninspired go to bed and sleep a dreamless sleep only to wake up and do it all over again.  Some insane machine inside of me was driving me to distraction- they were everywhere, and I let my life be managed by the chaos- living life as if it were a life sentence.

Making the decision to stop the madness and get to the root of my unhappiness has sent me on the journey of a lifetime.  I had to take inventory of all the aspects of my life that were making me miserable- all of the things that were getting in the way of my enthusiasm for life.   It took brutal honesty… and it was not without a tremendous amount of pain.

  1. I stopped drinking ( not forever, but for a period of one year) Everyday when I would come home from the hectic pace of my day ( Running my company) I would immediately open a bottle of un-wind and drink a few glasses.  I began to  replace the need to drink with a long walk at the end of the day and I’d listen to music or an inspiring pod-cast or book as I walked. This would get me just as relaxed and sleepy as the wine and so I found I was able to have more stamina at night- read to the kids, do some journaling… etc.
  2. Once the wine or alcohol was not there to take my discomfort away I was forced to BE with my emotions.  It took me a while to hone in on these because I had numbed myself.  Overtime I began to realize that I had a lot of undelivered communication in my life.  I had been withholding communication from my husband, my friends, my co-workers.  It was time to create conversations that would help shift my reality.. and so I did. Again, one of the most difficult things I had ever done.  Being honest about the state of my world and coming clean about the things I had done or not done to achieve the landfill I had before me was very difficult for everyone because It meant I’d have to talk about things that were happening ( and might have been happening for years) and open “Pandora’s Box” and as a result… relationships that were toxic or had become toxic either ended or transformed as a result of these conversations.
  3. I started journaling and writing more authentically.  I once believed that I could not be honest in my own writing! What if someone read the things I wrote? !!! I laugh now to think that I would write as if someone else might read it!  So i wrote everything… the pain, the joy, the regrets, the anger, the outrage.  Getting it out and on paper helped me to identify other things I wanted to shift.
  4.  I got myself a good therapist that my insurance covered and for $20.00 a week – she helped me talk through the things I wanted to change, and the emotions that trapped me.  She helped me look at modes of behavior that were no longer serving me, and helped me understand my unhappiness and even befriend it.  She recommended articles and books to read to help me along my path, and most importantly encouraged me to “dream.”  What’s that? I remember thinking… as I had no idea how to believe that a different reality was possible.
  5. I began to make small adjustments in my life ( and some very big ones) that would support me in living with more consciousness and compassion.  I started to actually take time for myself… pedicure, a walk along the water, a meeting with an old friend, a day trip…  talking about and sharing where I was at with the people around me I knew I could be safe with… without judgement (there were not many).

It’s been almost four years since, and on the one hand I can’t believe how long it’s taken to feel good again, and on the other I can really see how waiting any longer could have been incredibly detrimental to my health, my children’s wellbeing, my carrer , and most importantly my own sense of self.  When you have been unhappy over a long period of time it begins to become toxic to those around you.  Your self hatred turns to depression… no way to live.

I used to see people use the term “Bucket List” and I’d say… who needs one of those?  I get now that it’s like dreaming… being filled with inspiration to actually do things that are outside of your daily life and routine and are part of larger aspirations you have for your own life.  When you are filled with unhappiness and self loathing.. you can’t really achieve that.

So here I am Four years later realizing that there’s a lot of living to do! Things I want to experience and aspirations I want to have realized.   I’ve started my very own bucket list!

More to be revealed….

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The Lynchpin and The “Value” of Women

Martha Washington is the only woman whose portrait has appeared on a U.S. currency note. It appeared on the face of the $1 Silver Certificate of 1886 and 1891, along with the back of the $1 Silver Certificate issued in 1896.

There is so much I want to share with you about what I am learning as a forty- one year old woman. The most important “revelation” of late had me stop tidying the house in mid swiff so I could sit down and post about it.

My revelation is that women don’t value themselves (I know, I know, at times I can be such an oracle of the obvious)

I’m morbidly fascinated by the sheer volume of women who are unable to see, own, and advocate on their own behalf as it relates to their contribution’s in the world.

Let me just take the example:  Mom’s who stay at home to raise the family.
This topic in itself opens up a completely mind blowing conversation about her sense of “value”.   I have come to know so many women who do not feel a sense of worth because their role is not measured by currency.   Where does this phenomenon originate from?

If I were to logically map out her contribution to her family using traditional business terms her “worth” would be crystalized.  In the business world she is what Seth Godin would refer to as the company lynchpin.

So, for all my stay at home to raise the family mom friends out there – I want you to put on your business hat for a moment and take a quick jump back in time.  Before you formed the partnership with your spouse which I will now refer to as: “the corporation” you both invested the “sweat equity” into the dating process that landed you “the job” except that it’s not just any job, it’s the job that any “founder” of a company would be faced with- and it’s the job of running the organization side by side with your partner of choice ( well, hopefully it was by choice), and shouldering the awesome responsibility of making sure each department, team member, and product is being overseen, managed and taken care of.

When you married,  the “merger and acquisition” took place began to blend your two individual lives into one – and then, comes the  production of the company assets (KIDS!).

If you made the decision to stay at home I want to first say “BRAVO” because that was the decision that worked for your family at the time and likely made a lot of sense. In order to “scale” and “maximize efficiencies” one partner will stay home and manage the growth (children and family obligations) while the other continues to work outside the home  and secure additional business development opportunities on “the road”, and he likes to be able to work hard because his ROI ( return on investment) is a happy, healthy, loving family that is thriving by his contributions just as they are by hers.

If marriage and raising a family were equated to building a company than the various “positions” of the company are dévide up and each of the two “founders” contribute an enormous amount of value.   Wouldn’t it feel kind of ludicrous to impute an income to Dad for the hours he dedicates to his children?

If we *must* place a value on their roles In and outside the home than maybe it would like look this?

The “working” partner:  CFO, CIO, VP of Sales, maintenance, grounds keeper, management,

The “Stay at home” partner :  CEO, COO, CMO, laundry, travel agent, cafeteria, and HR, and alternate temp.

Basically you can look at this argument and clearly see that the division of labor is equitable for the sake of this example~ right?

Then why is it that so many women who run the households and manage the sheer volume of work in the home while raising a family have little to no sense of their worth when it comes to their compound value?  If you were to impute an actual income to her contribution in the work force it could be argued then, that her salary would actually be potentially higher than her partners based on the sheer number of “positions” she maintains.

I used to get really hung up on this in my marriage because in addition being this mom as illustrated above- I would hire a “temp” ( sitter ) to fill in while I worked outside the home so that I could feel like I was making a monetary contribution as if that was somehow “worth” more and could finally be “counted.”

Now, I know that times have changed ( ha ha ha) and there are many more of us who lead much more fulfilled  lives while managing both home and work life right?  We feel much more appreciated and acknowledged for the “value” we bring to our marriages and our companies now that we are liberated and able to earn an income right?

hmmm… i’m thinking not.   Women have an ongoing struggle  to feel valued and acknowledged for our contributions to society, family and home.  There is not a monetary équivalant for the contribution we are to the world, and never will be.  There never will be because there is not enough money in the world.

Say it with me: “there is not enough money in the world.”

In order for us to feel valued outside ourselves we must FEEL value inside ourselves.

I think that in order to make this happen- we need to start by:

changing the conversation’s we are having and make them about our “value” not our “lack thereof”

If you are interested participating in this conversation then please sign on to “like” our face book page or subscribe to this blog.  It’s only a matter of time before we create a more empowered and inspired community of women in the world.

Join the Revelation.

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How Kind Are You?

Written by TRP guest blogger Alex West

“How kind am I to others?”

As I get older and wiser, I treat this question with great respect- it has layers. There are many interpretations so- I’m not just speaking of being kind with simple manners, I’m referring to the essence of kindness.

Do I extend myself outwards, and greet everyone openly? Without judgement? Do I include those who have brought value to my life in ways small or large in my social life- or am I prejudiced and exclusive in my associations? Am I considerate of another’s feelings, and am I genuinely honest with others?  Am I accountable for who I am as a friend, as a human being?  Am I accountable for my actions and choices as they relate to others?

I pay close attention to how I treat others- especially now, and I strive to treat others as I would wish to be treated. These values were learned the hard way.  I have been on the receiving end of unkindness from others- we all have, and the memory of what it feels like is not easily forgotten, in fact- it becomes a lesson in how I want others to feel when they are around me.

Personally, my life shifted so greatly after divorce, I was not prepared for the circumstantial ripple effect it would have for myself, and my son.  There is so much change and much to mourn: the loss of a partner, the wifestyle, the additional children I might wish for that may not come, and the new circumstance I have been presented with socially, economically, and emotionally.  In the midst of these major changes, my challenge is to continue forward with a new and uncertain map of my life happiness for my child and for myself. Divorce has dramatically impacted my support system, making it so much more important to be able to lean on the support of those who surround me- especially those I consider my friends.

Fortunately, this time has taught hard lessons of setting new standards of how I define everyday words like “support” and “friends”.  I’ve acquired a new appreciation for those who are honest with me and appreciate those who treat me with dignity and respect, and I now find myself cheering for friends who remember that a family is still a family, even if it is a different shape or size, and that I am still me- regardless of how my life looks.

By far, the greatest gift given, with such unforeseen change, is how heightened my sensitivities are now of how I treat others.

Divorce, new babies, working, STAH moms…it does not matter, at some point every woman has felt either discarded, snubbed, or overwhelmed among her peers as she desperately tries to map out her life, and in these times we are all reminded of how kindness equals thoughtfulness. Kindness= HUMANITY.

So here it is ladies, we may not say it out loud, but we have all been privy to and/or guilty of; quietly ignoring, deflecting, or not extending at some point in our lives and in our associations or friendships.

Congeniality should not be subjective, and age-old quotes like, “Girls can be so mean.” should be buried far beneath quotes like, “Support your peers and cherish your friends.” As springtime is upon us, budding up new life and fresh air, so is the gift of change. We should all remember to be considerate of each other, support our fellow peers, and be honest with ourselves. Communities come in many forms; one of my most cherished community is my peer group of women, mothers, and friends. A community I wish to be included in, regardless of my circumstances.

My message to myself and to others about kindness is: to extend outwards – whether I feel lonely and fractured, or happy and whole. If I reach outside of myself I can create a bridge; and if I turn away – only a gap, a gulf, or a void.

Slow Love

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About a year ago I read Slow Love- How I lost my job, Put on my pajamas & Found happiness by Dominique Browning. I savored every page, and was sad to have it come to an end.

Dominique is in her fifties and lost her job as editor of House & Garden when the magazine folded at the end of 2007. Like so many people lately, she was suddenly out of work. At the same time her children had left home, and she ended a long love affair, as well as sold the home that she thought she would live in forever.

Having lost my knitwear design job after sixteen years in 2007, I could relate to suddenly losing the main thing that she so accurately says “defined her days, paced and regulated her life.” She had feared losing it for many years, and when it happened, it nearly flattened her. With the busyness of her work gone, she was left with plenty of time to think about life, which she writes about with bold honesty and humor. It is like reading someone’s diary.

I especially like her quote of Adam Nicolson’s from Sea Room:

 “At the back of that hurry is the knowledge that it is a screen against honesty.”

 

That is one powerful sentence.

Slow Love is about living life more slowly. As Dominique says, it is “the love that comes of an unhurried and focused attention to the simplest things, available to all of us, at any time, should we choose to engage…..Perhaps even importantly, slow love comes out of the quiet hours, out of learning from the silence that is always there when we want it.”

Slow Love is about finding peace. It’s a great read, and I highly recommend it.

Written by Louise at Lines of Beauty

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The Seven Stages of Grief

Weather it’s death, or a death of sorts (break-up, betrayal, divorce, employment termination…) it hurts like hell and can take a long long time to heal.

I was recently re-reading the seven stages of grief, and realizing how very long a process it is to go through the seven stages.  It can take weeks, months, years, and for some – even a lifetime.

It’s not a process that can be rushed along.  It’s as unique a journey as the individual taking the journey. We all have a “time” in which we will process each phase of certain events.  I’ve known people to be in one aspect of grief for many years… before finally reaching the next.  The most valuable thing you can do for yourself or another who is experiencing it is to just give them/ yourself room – lots of room, and and endless well of compassion.

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The Seven Stages of Grief

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But instead will find a way forward with a deeper sense of wisdom.

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A Love letter to Myself for Valentines Day

Dear Monica,

We’ve got lots of catching up to do – you and I, and I’m so very sorry it took me this long. I have many confessions to make, and so- if you are open to hearing them… I’m ready to talk.

It seems these many years I found you quite difficult to accept.  I looked at you one day in the mirror (I think you were twelve) and somehow decided that you just didn’t measure up.

It was at that point that I began to compare you, judge you, and critique your every word and move- hardly ever giving you the freedom or right to just be yourself….

Your body, your hair, your nose, your hips…. you just weren’t quite what I had in mind.  I’m sure the constant be-littling and harsh critique contributed to your overall lack of self-esteem, and your awkwardness just made me cringe inside.  I did you such injustice as I helped you to choose friendships, relationships, and substances that would keep this life sentence in place.   I was your trusted friend and confident… all the while whispering my bad advice and undermining your potential, your beauty, your wit, your mind. Not fast enough, smart enough, pretty enough, good enough….

I succeeded in making you believe it all… and by high school you were a certified mess.  Drugs, drinking, poor grades, reckless sex… a perfect masterpiece of self loathing and confusion. By the time you got married though, you’d figured out ( thanks to me)  how to pretend – making it look picture perfect on the outside. You even got your hair right-  finally.

It wasn’t until under the covers for those many dark months that we would finally come face to face with one another, nose to nose, truth to truth.  After your grande facade had fallen apart, even I got tired of poking holes in you. I’d achieved the most disastrous results. It was then that I began to finally see you –  for who you really are.  By that time though,  we were both fucked. You were too tired and defeated to move much, and I was in a state of shock and denial… “what a par” as they say in the south.

Now, I thank God for you every day… for helping me gradually to really see.  For taking the time, and for having the empathy to understand me, and my actions. I thank God for the day you finally took me in your arms and kissed my face and whispered gentle words, and told me you loved me. Then the most amazing thing of all happened….

you forgave me.

Since that time, I’ve learned so much about you… where was I all this time to have not known this love for you? Yes, it’s true- sometimes I still grieve for us- such a shame, such wasted time. I am so so sorry.

Each day I see you getting stronger, and lighter, and more beautiful. You’ve taught me so much. I’ve learned to be quiet, and now.. only speak when I have something supportive and kind to say to you.  I’ve learned to comfort you and build you back up when you are feeling sad, hurt, or upset.  I’ve learned to let you dance when the music plays, and to remember to play it for you when you forget.  I’ve learned to let you open your heart to those you love, and who want your love and creativity… you express yourself with a freedom now that fills me with a quiet pride.

I’m so very humbled at times by your sheer willingness to keep trying, keep loving, and keep learning – no matter what happens, and especially your capacity for love… my God, you are a lover of people, and life.

Don’t ever let anyone try to snuff out your beautiful light – ever again… you hear me girl?  You are a child of God, and we’ve got some amazing, world transforming work to do.

Happy Valentines Day.

Your biggest fan,

Me.

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Revelation: A Tiny Window

Today I find myself exhausted. sad.

It began over late last week… a difficult few days that finally came to a head yesterday afternoon and while the rest of the world was tuned in to the Superbowl, I was tuned in to my  inability to “be” happy and free in the face of an event that deeply disturbed me.

It’s easy to look at “them” – as the problem, but really – there’s only “what happened” and then my reaction to that event.

I had this great conversation with my brother today- about how so many of us operate on our “default” behavior- especially when an upset “triggers” our response.

That teeny tiny window of opportunity to change that in mid stream is just that… a teeny tiny opportunity, and then like a flash, it’s gone and the reaction is … well, what it is- as opposed to being mindful and choosing my actions or behavior in a way that’s new, empowering, “better”.

How many of us are really in the game of looking at ourselves? How many of us take a long look at where we are on our paths wherever that may be and take the opportunity CHOOSE a new thought, a new action, a new response- it’s so very difficult but so very necessary if you want to get “better” – as we are all inherently wounded around something – i don’t care who you are… you have wounds, and pain, and have known suffering… it’s what you DO with the suffering that makes the difference.

It’s what “I” do with the suffering, that makes a difference because “I” want healing around the wounds “I” carry- why? because to me that means I have evolved- is there a way to evolve past the point of suffering? Well… then there is the gift of suffering right? Without suffering, I’m not sure it’s possible for much growth.

Everything that happens in life invites growth weather we are mindful of it or not… it just so happens that today I am mindful of the fact that I “want” to behave and react differently and can not seem to access that place…. so I’ll take my own advice and just try to “be” with it instead of resisting, because I know from experience that resistance is futile… resisting= persisting.

sigh.  All I can do today is try to choose a more empowering thought about the turn of events so that I don’t stay here on my couch cycling over and over the questions of why it is what it is…..

and just let it be what it is.