We’ve got a pretty major TRP season booked. Today was a blast. Thank you to everyone who has made this project what it is. I am so so grateful for every single day I get to be here. XO
If you know anyone who would like to book, season three is officially open. It’s already been amazing ;)
As I was grudging around cleaning this afternoon I decided to listen to a podcast, and my grudging turned into a profound joy as I listened to my favorite- On Being.
I love Krista Tippet… she is just amazing in the way she creates conversations that matter. I was completely riveted on this conversation she had with Fr. Greg Boyle who started Homeboy Industries which is in LA. He works with gang members there… and the tenderness and love with which he speaks about his work is just… astounding.
You will be so inspired.
On the Calling Of Delight Just Beautiful.
”You want to move away from whatever is tiny-spirited and judgmental, as I mentioned. But you want to be as spacious as you can be that you can have room for stuff and love is all there is and love is all you are, you know. And you want people to recognize the truth of who they are, that they’re exactly what God had in mind when God made them.
Alice Miller, who’s the late great child psychologist, talked about we’re all called to be enlightened witnesses. You know, people who through your kindness and tenderness and focused attempt of love return people to themselves and, in the process, you’re returned to yourself…”- Fr. Greg Boyle.
This past week I experienced one of the most profound and healing experiences I have ever had and I wanted to share it……
Since I was a child I’ve struggled with my relationship to my mother. Early in my life I just kind of “gave up” on including her in the details of my life because she could never remember them. I’m not talking about just a detail here and there- I’m talking about stuff that was a really big deal to me… like….
What my interests were….
What kind of food I liked….
What my friends names were…
What I majored in for college….
What my profession was….
I’m also not referring to her now twilight years – I’m talking about from the time I was very very young. I could have a heart felt, amazing conversation with her and share my deepest secrets or desires… only to refer to the conversation at a later date and her response was a blank look or to say “You never told me that before.”
It did not seem to matter how many times I told her, what it was, or how much time passed… she just could not seem to retain things about me. Naturally I began to take it personally. I made up that I was not important enough for her to remember, and this hurt me to no end.
In my adult years I began to realize how frustrated I would become when she would try to tell me stories or explain things to me…
I felt like everything was so vague with her… like if she were sharing an experience she had I would have to ask a million questions to try to eek out the details like the who, what ,why ,where of everything… it’s like she could not seem to give “context” for the story she was trying to deliver and I would get down on my myself because often time it would exasperate me and I know that on several occasions I hurt her feelings. We had a joke in my family that if she wanted to express herself about a topic she was interested in she would send us a book or a CD on the topic and I’d think… “why can’t she just tell me? I don’t want to read a whole book to find out what she’s interested in!” – I mean, every so often it was fine but it was all the time.
Taking her to Wickford Main Street Christmas shopping every year was like a new experience every time…
“Oh, this is a nice town.. why haven’t you taken me here before?”
Sometimes I wanted to stab my eyes out with an ice pick. I’d just calmly let her know that we’d been here every year for the last ten and she’d say..
“Oh, no! I would remember being here before if you’d taken me here…”
uh huh.
This past week we finished our “testing” at the Hallowell Center in Sudbury. I’d recently asked her to go for an evaluation after my own diagnosis for Adult ADHD and because it’s hereditary I thought… well, maybe this is what the issue is.
What we discovered astounded me.
I’d known the vague story she’d told me in passing once about the fact that she’d had an aneurysm early in life (Age 25) several years before I was born. All she’d conveyed is that it happened, and she was lucky to be alive. Because she was a Catholic Nun before meeting and marrying my father, she related the event to ” A Miracle from God” and Indeed- I agreed. She’d made it seem like it had never impacted her other than five weeks of bed rest and that she was then given a clean bill of health.
The evaluation at The Hallowell Center told another story entirely.
My Mother I learned, sustained substantial damage to the frontal lobe of her brain which is the portion that controls executive functioning, memory, spacial relations, self reflection and many social functioning capabilities such as recognizing patterns in relationships, places, and people.
In addition to her inability to apply concepts of business, organization, filing etc, she also had challenges with any memory that did not pertain to task oriented activities such as cleaning the house, or making a sandwich. This meant that any communication that was delivered to my mother that did not somehow involve her would not “stick” and for memories that did involve her- although she could remember a few things about the moment or event- she could not retain how it applied or generate an insight in order to then “learn” from previous mistakes or successes. The reason it felt like ground hog day over and over again when I was with my mom – is because it was!
The most fascinating aspect to this discovery is that it damaged her ability to actually even realize that she had any kind of issue. Her ability to relate in context to who she was before the stoke and who she was after was damaged making it almost impossible for her to realize why her symptoms were so frustrating to those around her or for her to even realize that she had any!
As we learned more – we had many moments of ah-has!
“So this is why my daughter gets so frustrated with me?” she would ask the Dr.
The day before she left we went out to lunch and she asked me:
“What was it like to grow up as my child and feel like I was unable to remember anything about you?”
I laughed and cried as I told her a few things…
As we got into the car – she thanked me and told me that it was good for her to know – if even in this moment… even though she will likely leave, go home, and possibly forget the details of the conversation, and perhaps that we ever even had one. We both laughed our guts out.
My revelation is this:
All I have with my Mother is THIS VERY MOMENT, so enjoy it… share big, and love her just the way she is.
This realization makes the “present” moment an even a greater GIFT in my life… it’s all we ever really have anyway.
As I was cleaning today I realized as I was singing along that this song is about The Revelation Project.
There are so many parts that I have hidden and denied and lost.
There are so many ways that I have cut off my nose to spite my face.
There are so many colours that I still try to hide while I paint.
And there are so many tunes that I secretly sing as I wait.
You come along
And invite these parts out of hiding oh oh
This invitation
Is one that I’ve stopped fighting oh oh
Thank you for seeing me
How I feel so less lonely
Thank you for getting me
I’m healed by your empathy
Ha-a this intimacy ha-a-a-a
There were so many times I thought I had died, not being truly known
There’ve been so many moments, forever lonely in my vocation
You come along
To celebrate each feeling ha-a
And there you are
All honoured and inquiring ha-a-a-a
Thank you for seeing me
How I feel so less lonely
Thank you for getting me
I’m healed by your empathy
Ha-a this intimacy ha-a-a-a
There was a day where the trust that was being asked of me,
Required too much,
You seem to accept your generosity,
To know myself enough
To let you have me
Thank you for seeing me
How I feel so less lonely
Thank you for getting me
I’m healed by your empathy
Ha-a this intimacy ha-a-a-a
Vocals By Alanis Morisette
If you can’t change a problem, move on.Thou shall not stew.
Stop getting stuck in your story about woulda. coulda. shoulda. and get on with doing what you love to do.
Surround yourself with loving, low-maintenance people who increase your vitality instead of rob it.
Remember that aging is part of the wondrous cycle of life. It is normal and it is what is suppose to happen, just like getting our baby teeth.
Take care of that pesky task that has been hanging over your head for way too long. It won’t take nearly as long as you think it will.
Have an orgasm.
Did I just say that?
Stop worrying about what other people think. It’s your life.
Don’t forget that human’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. Acknowledge someone.
Get over your fear. Fear is normal, so embrace it and then you’ll get past it.
Take care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally. Be your own best friend. It is the foundation for a good long life.
Photo by Jef Bettens, Limburg, Belgium
By Louise of Lines of Beauty.
I’ve always thought that if a movie doesn’t at least bring me to the edge of tears than it usually isn’t worth watching, unless of course, it’s a really good comedy. Generally I tend to be a bit of a crier, but lately I have hardly shed a tear.
I thought I’d hit menopause and cry myself a river but so far this has happened only a handful of times. Which in one way has been a relief…if you know what I mean. Still, having a good cry always makes me feel better, whether they are tears of sadness or of joy.
Dr. Christiane Northrup says that “crying is one of the ways in which we rid our bodies of toxins. Crying allows us to move energy around our body, and sometimes to re-channel it, or understand it a different way.”
Crying also helps us to release stress. Suppressed emotions can make us feel depressed and really need to be let go of. Crying is one of the healthiest ways to do this and to keep depression at bay.
Tears lift our mood because they release endorphins, just like exercising, that act as mood elevators and painkillers. That’s why we feel so much better after a good cry.
Crying helps calm us, as does laughter.
By Louise at Lines of Beauty.
Ever since I first saw Dr. Christiane Northrup on PBS many years ago I have been an admirer of hers. Next to my bed is what I consider to be my bible: Dr. Northrup’s first book titled Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom- Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing. The book is about achieving optimal health and fulfillment through a mind-body connection. I bought it for my 40th birthday and reference it frequently as a source of sound medical advice about the body, and the mind.
Along with Northrup’s vibrant personality, she first stole my heart when I heard her say that PMS is a time each month when what needs adjustment in our life gets highlighted. Kind of like the things that we need to work on get put under a magnifying glass. PMS, I learned, is actually a gift, when all along I had been thinking of it as a time each month that I needed to disregard!
Dr. Northrup says many very wise things. Another great line of hers, is “All healing, all flourishing, comes from the story we continually tell ourselves.”
We are what we eat, but we are also what we think about.
What we think about is what we become.
The video above might be one of the most informative and reassuring ten minutes you’ll spend this week, or maybe even all month.
Written by Louise at Lines of Beauty.
Dear Monica,
We’ve got lots of catching up to do – you and I, and I’m so very sorry it took me this long. I have many confessions to make, and so- if you are open to hearing them… I’m ready to talk.
It seems these many years I found you quite difficult to accept. I looked at you one day in the mirror (I think you were twelve) and somehow decided that you just didn’t measure up.
It was at that point that I began to compare you, judge you, and critique your every word and move- hardly ever giving you the freedom or right to just be yourself….
Your body, your hair, your nose, your hips…. you just weren’t quite what I had in mind. I’m sure the constant be-littling and harsh critique contributed to your overall lack of self-esteem, and your awkwardness just made me cringe inside. I did you such injustice as I helped you to choose friendships, relationships, and substances that would keep this life sentence in place. I was your trusted friend and confident… all the while whispering my bad advice and undermining your potential, your beauty, your wit, your mind. Not fast enough, smart enough, pretty enough, good enough….
I succeeded in making you believe it all… and by high school you were a certified mess. Drugs, drinking, poor grades, reckless sex… a perfect masterpiece of self loathing and confusion. By the time you got married though, you’d figured out ( thanks to me) how to pretend – making it look picture perfect on the outside. You even got your hair right- finally.
It wasn’t until under the covers for those many dark months that we would finally come face to face with one another, nose to nose, truth to truth. After your grande facade had fallen apart, even I got tired of poking holes in you. I’d achieved the most disastrous results. It was then that I began to finally see you – for who you really are. By that time though, we were both fucked. You were too tired and defeated to move much, and I was in a state of shock and denial… “what a par” as they say in the south.
Now, I thank God for you every day… for helping me gradually to really see. For taking the time, and for having the empathy to understand me, and my actions. I thank God for the day you finally took me in your arms and kissed my face and whispered gentle words, and told me you loved me. Then the most amazing thing of all happened….
you forgave me.
Since that time, I’ve learned so much about you… where was I all this time to have not known this love for you? Yes, it’s true- sometimes I still grieve for us- such a shame, such wasted time. I am so so sorry.
Each day I see you getting stronger, and lighter, and more beautiful. You’ve taught me so much. I’ve learned to be quiet, and now.. only speak when I have something supportive and kind to say to you. I’ve learned to comfort you and build you back up when you are feeling sad, hurt, or upset. I’ve learned to let you dance when the music plays, and to remember to play it for you when you forget. I’ve learned to let you open your heart to those you love, and who want your love and creativity… you express yourself with a freedom now that fills me with a quiet pride.
I’m so very humbled at times by your sheer willingness to keep trying, keep loving, and keep learning – no matter what happens, and especially your capacity for love… my God, you are a lover of people, and life.
Don’t ever let anyone try to snuff out your beautiful light – ever again… you hear me girl? You are a child of God, and we’ve got some amazing, world transforming work to do.
Happy Valentines Day.
Your biggest fan,
Me.
My name is Monica Rodgers and I am a recovering unconscious being.
I grew up in an alcoholic family where there were elephants in every room and the house was decorated in red flags. I decided to stop listening to my emotions because they were always in turmoil. I learned the fine art of numbing. In my last post I wrote about allowing the things that enter your life wake you up….
Spiritual healers say that the first seven years of the child are the most critical. It is the time in which the spirit fully enters the body and by the seventh year, becomes grounded. If you at any point experience trauma (Define Trauma: ANYTHING that deeply scares, wounds, confuses, or upsets) you can become “stuck” in the spiritual sense… or fragmented- (also called arrested development). You can spend the larger part of your life becoming triggered by where those moments first originated, and if we are lucky as we mature and develop in our adult life we begin to seek resolution… because if we don’t these unrealized wounds can be very disruptive and destructive to our relationships wrecking havoc and causing us to wonder: WHY does this always happen to me? PS: You do not have to have come from an alcoholic family to experience trauma… that’s just my particular drama.
So the moments that upset us become “teaching moments” – also known as WAKE UP CALLS. This life calling you to WAKE UP to your life’s purpose and discover WHO YOU REALLY ARE. It’s your PATH, and each of us have one… and where it will lead is your most exciting mystery.
Your path to enlightenment BEGINS at the source of the trauma. Your upsets in this lifetime are your call to WAKE UP. We can experience a “healing” from those moments that separated or fragmented our spirits – and although these moments of “shift” feel a lot like a death of sorts, they really ultimately are gifts of being fully alive.
The purpose of a rose is to grow and become strong enough to bloom…. (STRONG ENOUGH to bloom) When we have matured spiritually we can then bloom into awareness- and without this we are immature regardless of all of the THINGS we have attained in the world: fame, money, power, materials.
The best part of waking up is a good strong cup of Coffee.
