This will be my final attempt to contact you so really, if you don’t write back – you have my word that I will not contact you for any personal matter- ever again.
I want you to know that regardless of all that has happened and any “wrong doing” against each other that has transpired- I am still willing. At the very least want you to know that i care about you no matter what and I am grateful for all that we have been through together. Even in our distance these past several weeks I have learned so much. I have struggled to find solid ground on which to stand over and over again and the place I finally found is way up on top of this emotional and mental Everest:
You and I might be very different people, or we may be more similar than either of us want to believe right now.
In the beginning – all we could see were our similarities and so we were filled with joy and laughter and light…. so powerful it was in fact that we created something quite magical- something everyone noted and commented on. When we started to really discover and see our differences: it became uncomfortable. Instead of embracing those- we’ve been pushing them away- and as a result, each other. We’ve allowed our differences to now influence our behavior to such an extent that we’ve created chaos in our lives and in the lives of those close to us.
I’ve learned many many lessons over the past few weeks about myself – some of which bring me tremendous joy, and some which bring me great shame and regret.
In my climb toward the mountains peak I referenced earlier I’ve clawed, struggled, fought, turned my back, quit, begun again, quit, fought, rested, climbed onward until exhaustion only to finally realize that I was already there all along.
Remember in the early days- how you said that it’s like waiting all your life for the chance to get that ticket to go to Paris except you’ve already been there all along? That’s me right now.
The anger, hurt and sense of betrayal whether real or imagined pushed me away from you and away from myself – so far in fact that when i looked around I did not know who either of us was any longer. It’s finally just now- that I am finding my way back to myself…only to realize as I put this momentous flag on the top of this beautiful Everest to announce my arrival that you are no longer here beside me to share this precious moment with me.
I look down the mountain and I can barely see you….- see, i’ve left you behind in my quest when i should have been reaching out my hand every step of the way to pull you up when you were too tired to do it yourself, as you might have done for me in those same moments. Have I failed you as a friend, as a sister, as a confident, and as a human being- simply because I made my needs more important than yours? I hope not. Was I so busy paying attention to my own footing that I forgot it’s not even worth arriving if I can’t share it with you? I turned my attention from integrity, strength and gratitude to matters of fear, anger, and hostility and It became an all for one… instead of a one for all. Did I have something to prove?…. and to whom? We were on the same team last time I knew and I’m not sure how we ended up in the blizzard of 2011. Is this how world wars begin? If so, I’m sorry I’ve even been a willing participant.
I’ve not always welcomed the insights or emotions that have come to me these past several weeks but the project I’m involved in has certainly lived up to it’s name. I’ve gotten to see the very things that still get in my way of being the very person I strive to be. I’ve had to wrestle each demon one by one – sometimes successfully and sometimes not. It’s been messy along the way and I’ve made you wrong more times than I care to admit and in doing so I’ve had the taste of righteousness. It’s an acquired taste I assure you- It starts out being incredibly sweet only to turn terribly bitter- not to mention the aftertaste.
A wise woman once told me:
“You can either be right, or you can be in relationship… not both simultaneously.”
Some people feel that there is a point at which you stop being able to forgive another, but I respectfully disagree.
Forgiveness is a choice, and once you are willing to do so you also give up your right to complain. Just because we forgive, it does not mean we have to agree with one another or always see eye to eye.
I’m not attached to a story of who you are based on the past several weeks- but instead acknowledge that- like me: Perhaps you’ve done what you felt you had to do. I also imagine you too have had your own process, insights, and truths revealed that are different from mine- not bad, wrong, or less…. just different… and valid. In accepting that I realize that I can also celebrate it because this is what makes you uniquely you: perfect, whole and complete- just the way you are- right here…. right now.
I want you to know that I forgive you, not because you’ve asked me for forgiveness but because i recognize it’s what I need to do now.
I ask your forgiveness in return- not because you need to or owe it to me but because I am truly sorry for any part I’ve played in hurting you.
Please forgive me for being small, single minded, stubborn, self centered- and for any wounds I’ve caused you.
It’s with deep compassion for both of us that I will continue to hold the hope in my heart that tomorrow will be a better day and that there will be more gentle, freeing, loving, forgiving, and amazing revelations to come.