I will never forget the depth of my dispair or loneliness in the days leading up to my six month (I’m being conservative) staycation in my bed as I surrendered to what was the equivalent of a sixty two car pile up (my life). The gradual decline in the quality of my days ended in a ball of flames. Well… except that it was not really the end-it was really just the beginning.
Photo Credit: Beth McHugh
I like to think of myself as a Phoenix rising from the ashes – mostly because I like the imagery (but in my very warped and twisted reality I look like a cross between Austin Powers and Molly Shannon ….um, nevermind).
Lets just say, that I will never forget that terrible emptiness and utter void that was the sum total of my inner experience at that time, and that If learned anything through all of that, it was about being able to bring compassion, love, and forgiveness to the person I thought least likely to receive such a bounty…. myself.
Embarking on a spiritual journey at that time felt a bit like being forced to climb onto a rickshaw while blindfolded in a foreign country with no guide.
With a whole lot of practice, going “inward” might yield great inspiration and joy… but i’d never quite had to look into myself so deeply, or so intimately, and the very idea of it paralyzed me. I no longer knew who I was… and who ever I was, I knew one thing for certain… I did NOT want to be left alone with her.
The universe has an interesting way of getting you on your path (come hell or high water- I’ve decided) and I always marvel at my audacity to think I can outsmart, outwit or undermine the very power of it. Those of us who are very very lucky get a wake -up call in our lives. Usually it comes in a few flavors, Debt, Disaster, Death, Divorce… to name a few.
It took me quite a bit of time to realize that the only way “out” was to venture “in”
To be continued…..