Tag Archives: Transformation

A Bigger Game, Lions, and More.

We laughed, we cried, it was beautiful.

However, that would be an understatement to describe this past weekend’s experience at Lake George where over One hundred and fifty like-minded people,  gathered for the very first Bigger Game Expo.

Beautiful Lake George at the Silver Bay YMCA

Beautiful Lake George at the Silver Bay YMCA

Play a Bigger Game was conceived by thought leader Rick Tamlyn, and is a workshop experience for those who want to get their “life game” on.  This past weekend- he, and his ridonkulously talented team, showcased “ordinary” people who have a commitment to being extraordinary people.   They gave presentations, talks and discussions about their life’s work, career, dreams, creations, and what it took to get where they are at today, and the result was.

“Wow”.

The best part about it was the transparency that each speaker offered to us as they took us down the non-linear, and often times, messy, challenging, and obstacle laden path of making something amazing happen.

lakegeorgesun

I have to admit- I’ve done a lot of leadership, professional, and personal development in my life so you’d think i’d have a level of comfort with it.  I have a love/hate relationship with my propensity toward personal growth because it’s like gearing up for an inner shake-up.  When I sign myself up for something that calls me to be “bigger” in my own life, I simultaneously prepare myself for eminent danger.  Lets face it, –  I’m happy, I’m healthy, I’ve got projects I am working on, and kids to parent, and more than enough to keep myself busy and alternately content and happy … and yet, my spiritual yearning is always for MORE.

“More what?”  you might ask.

More everything- connection, joy,  inspiration, love, passion, community, income, and you name it- more more more.  I guess that makes me a more whore,  hmmm….

Each opportunity I seize to sign myself up, and participate in something as fabulous as this past weekend I also throw myself out of my familiar, and comfortable zone.  I learned so much about myself and others this weekeend, and I am so grateful to those that made it all happen –  it truly was game changing.

I can’t help but notice with a bit of humor-  how my approach to doing a workshop like this one is similar to how I might approach a lioness protecting a gaggle of hungry cubs…

It’s like my sub-conscious says:

“WHY would you EVER, do that”???!

Wary, uncommitted, closed off, all senses on alert, and ready to RUN like hell, I prepare myself for a growth experience- lol.  The only difference between a personal development/ leadership workshop, or approaching a lioness protecting a litter of cubs is, well, virtually nothing, so I guess I’ll continue to just to drive this silly analogy right off the cliff  by saying that I feel the same sense of panic and fear in the face of letting go of my ego, and stretching myself out of my comfort zone as If I actually had a real life lion circling me like antelope prey (profound insight, Monica, profound.)

How absurd is it that I would sign myself up for something I spend energy protecting myself from experiencing!?

Then there is the actual moment of letting go- one minute I’ve got it all handled, backing slowly from the fear, knowing I might narrowly escape notice- “oh look, nice little fluffy lion, a bird!” and about to launch my exit strategy, and the next second I am Zena or Jenga, or whatever Jungle goddness I become, and  I reach down into the depths of my own belly to find my very own roar to charge toward the threat lest it consume me… and somehow we merge to cancel each other out, and I realize I’ve managed to survive the whole ordeal without fatal injury.

While moments before I may have been fiercely protecting myself, the next is like a suicide surrender and I allow myself to be consumed by it.  It’s a strange and wonderful thing, but I’m starting to get that this paradox is where personal transformation lives.

So, what I got from The Bigger Game this past weekend is not “it” or “better”, or “the holy grail” or an arrival at some final “destination” … but simply more. More of the journey, more of the joy, more of the inspiration and insight that life has to offer with all of these miraculous people that walk this planet by my side.

I am more open, more touched, more inspired, and more capable than I was on Thursday.

I’m more grateful for all I have in my life, and all of those who allow my life to touch theirs.

Our big celebration "dress up" night at THE BIGGER GAME EXPO

Me, Andrea, Hea Sook, & Annabel at the big celebration “dress up” night at THE BIGGER GAME EXPO

Life. IS. Good.

Thanks to everyone who attended, presented, and who dare to play a bigger game- you all make this a BIG life game worth playing.

All my love, and proud to be a more whore,

Monica

Gaze at the Truth.

whyte

Self Portrait

It doesn’t interest me if there is one God

or many gods.

I want to know if you belong or feel

abandoned.

If you know despair or can see it in others.

I want to know

if you are prepared to live in the world

with its harsh need

to change you. If you can look back

with firm eyes

saying this is where I stand. I want to know

if you know

how to melt into that fierce heat of living

falling toward

the center of your longing. I want to know

if you are willing

to live, day by day, with the consequence of love

and the bitter

unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even

the gods speak of God.  - David Whyte

When I first read this poem, years ago… I read it again and again.  It was so beautiful to me.   It addressed the paradox of  life I could not put words to at the time.

I was discovering, that to fully live was to surrender to love over and over again even though the law of impermanence reigns, no matter what. 

That to love life and all of it’s glory, you must gaze at the truth of immortality and loss.

Paradox:

Life = death.

Some say that in order to really live you have to die a thousand tiny deaths.

The project… each time I witness the power of another’s “becoming”, as the team documents the death of her illusions of self through the lens is truly one of the most beautiful life-giving things I have ever witnessed.

TRP is not a photo shoot.  It is an exercise about gazing into the eyes of truth, and letting truth stare back at you. It’s about showing you how to:

“melt into that fierce heat of living falling toward the center of your longing.”

It’s about

“looking back with firm eyes” and knowing where you stand, and knowing the “consequence” of loving yourself and others.

What does that mean- consequence?  What a strange word he should use.

It’s perfect.

Yes… to love and fully live has it’s consequences- doesn’t it

Surely then you can no longer protect your vulnerable heart-  because to love is to lose, to belly laugh with joy is to weep with sadness, to live is to die.

We cannot escape any of it.

So you might as well LIVE, and know the truth.

Revelation: The Bucket List

It’s so healthy to dream….

For a long time-  I forgot to dream.  I had structured my life to be so hectic and overwhelming that I was finding no time for dreaming… I had become quite cynical and resigned and started viewing dreams and aspirations as “having my head in the clouds”.

There was no room for possibility.  My life was to get up and work, do the check list of tasks, get the groceries, kids fed and clothed, car washed, calls made, errands done… exhausted and uninspired go to bed and sleep a dreamless sleep only to wake up and do it all over again.  Some insane machine inside of me was driving me to distraction- they were everywhere, and I let my life be managed by the chaos- living life as if it were a life sentence.

Making the decision to stop the madness and get to the root of my unhappiness has sent me on the journey of a lifetime.  I had to take inventory of all the aspects of my life that were making me miserable- all of the things that were getting in the way of my enthusiasm for life.   It took brutal honesty… and it was not without a tremendous amount of pain.

  1. I stopped drinking ( not forever, but for a period of one year) Everyday when I would come home from the hectic pace of my day ( Running my company) I would immediately open a bottle of un-wind and drink a few glasses.  I began to  replace the need to drink with a long walk at the end of the day and I’d listen to music or an inspiring pod-cast or book as I walked. This would get me just as relaxed and sleepy as the wine and so I found I was able to have more stamina at night- read to the kids, do some journaling… etc.
  2. Once the wine or alcohol was not there to take my discomfort away I was forced to BE with my emotions.  It took me a while to hone in on these because I had numbed myself.  Overtime I began to realize that I had a lot of undelivered communication in my life.  I had been withholding communication from my husband, my friends, my co-workers.  It was time to create conversations that would help shift my reality.. and so I did. Again, one of the most difficult things I had ever done.  Being honest about the state of my world and coming clean about the things I had done or not done to achieve the landfill I had before me was very difficult for everyone because It meant I’d have to talk about things that were happening ( and might have been happening for years) and open “Pandora’s Box” and as a result… relationships that were toxic or had become toxic either ended or transformed as a result of these conversations.
  3. I started journaling and writing more authentically.  I once believed that I could not be honest in my own writing! What if someone read the things I wrote? !!! I laugh now to think that I would write as if someone else might read it!  So i wrote everything… the pain, the joy, the regrets, the anger, the outrage.  Getting it out and on paper helped me to identify other things I wanted to shift.
  4.  I got myself a good therapist that my insurance covered and for $20.00 a week – she helped me talk through the things I wanted to change, and the emotions that trapped me.  She helped me look at modes of behavior that were no longer serving me, and helped me understand my unhappiness and even befriend it.  She recommended articles and books to read to help me along my path, and most importantly encouraged me to “dream.”  What’s that? I remember thinking… as I had no idea how to believe that a different reality was possible.
  5. I began to make small adjustments in my life ( and some very big ones) that would support me in living with more consciousness and compassion.  I started to actually take time for myself… pedicure, a walk along the water, a meeting with an old friend, a day trip…  talking about and sharing where I was at with the people around me I knew I could be safe with… without judgement (there were not many).

It’s been almost four years since, and on the one hand I can’t believe how long it’s taken to feel good again, and on the other I can really see how waiting any longer could have been incredibly detrimental to my health, my children’s wellbeing, my carrer , and most importantly my own sense of self.  When you have been unhappy over a long period of time it begins to become toxic to those around you.  Your self hatred turns to depression… no way to live.

I used to see people use the term “Bucket List” and I’d say… who needs one of those?  I get now that it’s like dreaming… being filled with inspiration to actually do things that are outside of your daily life and routine and are part of larger aspirations you have for your own life.  When you are filled with unhappiness and self loathing.. you can’t really achieve that.

So here I am Four years later realizing that there’s a lot of living to do! Things I want to experience and aspirations I want to have realized.   I’ve started my very own bucket list!

More to be revealed….